Notebook:

2012-03-01T00:32:00.001+11:00

"You're too nice, you're too nice, you're too nice!"
Stop it.
You're being too gentlemanly.
If you go un-nice yourself, I would have such an easy time.
Go and embrace your inner ogre. No, not Shrek kinda ogre who really isn't a fairy-tale ogre that eats people and grinds their bones to dust but is really an onion with layers.
Be those kinda ogres that are mean, who takes things and people forgranted, who turns the other way when people fall down the rabbit hole.
Coz if you're like that, the unknowingness could stop.

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2011-11-18T23:25:00.001+11:00

La vie en rose
Is what dreamers see the world as.
But is it so bad to put on rose-colored glasses
Once in a very blue moon?
I say,
See the world as a technicolour dreamcoat first and foremost,
Then pick at the colour scabs all you want like formicators do,
But at the end of the blue day,
See it still as la vie en rose,
Because the fact is,
You were there.

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2011-11-14T22:58:00.001+11:00

Secret Garden by Bruce Springsteen, the Jerry McGuire version with those quotable quotes, rocks.
Especially when it plays with the earplugs on at 10pm with you lying comfortably in bed.
It's one of those nice moments of the day.
Small and short but nice.

"I love him for the man he wants to be. I love him for the man that he almost is. I love him, Laurel, I love him."

"This is where it has to happen,this is what has to happen. I'm not letting you get rid of me. How about that?! I miss my wife. I love you. You complete me."

I mean, twi-what again?! Lol.

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2011-11-10T22:20:00.001+11:00

Current obsession: aromatherapy candles from Dusk.
Yes, i'm a girl and I love pretty nice-smelling things.
And even though the candles burn down to nothing in my holder, the smell of jasmine still lingers on for hours, turning my cosy hideyhole into an arboretum.
And it kinda reminds me of those Sunday evenings oh so long ago back home, running amok in our local gardens.
Back when Sundays were 'garden' days when kite-flying was a luxury and volleyball was something between the family.

Yes, studying rehab medicine is boring and it makes me nolstalgic.
So, sue me.

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2011-11-07T22:15:00.001+11:00

It's the train you never took because you froze in the headlights.
It's the book you never bought because you were too busy for it.
It's the lime you never ate because you already had an apple.
It's the person you never talked to because you were buffered by your friends.
It's the step you never took because it was in the wrong direction.

And today I saw the result of a person taking the not-often-took turn.
And it was glorious.
Sweet and glorious.

And I couldn't be happier because I had my hands in.

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2011-11-07T00:10:00.001+11:00

I don't need a parachute.
Hand around my neck, hand around my waist.
You're gonna catch me.
But you're also gonna keep me from falling.
And I wanna fall into you.

- parachute

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2011-08-16T18:17:00.001+10:00

Much as I love to have guy friends who are actually friends as opposed to hi-bye acquaintances, I must say that some of them DO think with their penises/testosterone/man egos.

Yes, yes, my image of you has sorta kinda DID go down the chute, with every hormone-filled, male-PMS moment you had in the past year or so.
And no amount of being Mr Nice Guy is gonna help you.

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2011-07-14T21:42:00.002+10:00

I used to get good marks in Malay in school, but I haven't been the most diligent student the moment I stepped into Melbourne. But these few paragraphs caught my eye and heart so much that I just had to put it up.

They are by A.Samad Said, one of Malaysia's literary laureate, a 76-year-old man with Dumbledore's beard.

“Murbawan Malaysia tidak senang dengan apa yang sedang berlaku di negara ini. Kita menghantar pesanan yang sangat waras. Demokrasi perlu murni dan terus dimurnikan.

Kenapa kita tidak boleh memperbaik situasi? Kenapa kita harus membiarkan demokrasi diperkuda oleh segelintir kuasawan yang tampaknya bermaharajalela?
Telah lama kita tidak senang dengan aliran demokrasi yang diperkuda ini. Telah lama kita inginkan demokrasi yang bersih, bergerak atas landas yang murni.

Kita sedar bahawa jalan ini tidaklah mudah. Maka itu, kita menjadi lebih berazam. Kita maklum bahawa gergasi media arus perdana kini sedang ikut garang menghempit kita dalam arus peristiwa yang semakin durjana. Kita sedang berlawan dengan keangkuhan yang pejal. Oleh media arus perdana ini, kita sewenangnya digambarkan sebagai kumpulan “siasah” yang sangat bercita-cita buruk. Lebih buruk, kita digambarkan sebagai kelompok yang sengaja ingin menggelorakan masyarakat seburuk hajat.

Kita tidak begitu. Kita ingin memperbaiki jentera demokrasi agar lebih berhati nurani.
Kita tidak menginginkan demokrasi yang kasar dan sombong; kita merindukan demokrasi yang tulus dan betul.

Inilah gerakan kita yang, sayangnya, terpaksa bermula di tengah keangkuhan kerajaan yang merasa segala-galanya sudah betul, malah sudah syurgawi, di tanah air ini. Kita sebenarnya masih dalam derita yang terus dicipta oleh tangan kasar berhati angkuh yang sangat bercita-cita.

Kita merindukan suara kuasa yang waras dan insani; suara pembimbing yang ikhlas dan mengerti. Kita tidak memerlukan suara angkuh dalam era yang sudah terlalu lama sombong ini. Kita mengharapkan tangan kuasa yang berhemah, sedia memimpin dan berdamai, turut bantu mencipta iklim demokrasi yang harum.

Memanglah kita mengkhayalkan dunia indah itu, walaupun kenyataan yang terserlah dan mengembang kini sedang menunjukkan di atas kepala kita sentiasa sedia terapung awan kelam yang menjanjikan tofan.

Jikalau berlaku, kita bukanlah kelompok manusia yang gamam berlari; kita, sebaliknya, adalah manusia yang cekal berdiri. Kita ingin memupuk demokrasi yang lebih berhati nurani.

Dua ratus tahun dulu seorang tokoh kecil Sam Adams, dengan kelompoknya yang kecil juga, telah mencurahkan teh ke dalam laut di pelabuhan Boston, Amerika. Kata Sam Adams: “It does not require a majority to prevail, but rather an irate, tireless minority keen to set bushfires in people’s minds.”

Kita nyalakan unggun api itu pada malam ini!”

My dad used to say that words are stronger than a sword. And this just proves it.

2011-07-13T23:22:00.003+10:00

7. bowlful of canned longans + canned sea coconut slices: dessert matchmade in heaven. Must be the boxfuls of canned longans my dad used to feed me when I was young. Always reminded me of the musty little grocery shop we had in the old part of JB town where it was always dark and draughty and forever smelled like salted fish. And I was always so fascinated by the old black thousand-year-old abacus my grandfather had on the counter in the shop. I would watch him click click click away on the beads with a lit cigarette dangling from the corner of his mouth. And I would cringe but stare unblinkingly at the ashtrayful of dirty water and cigarette butts beside him. It's one of those disgusting sights that you know you should look away but you just find yourself morbidly fascinated by it. And there were always a couple of cats around in the old shop to keep the mice away. Grandfather wasn't exactly the 'pops' Enid Blyton described, he was a typical Chinaman: distant in his affections, few in his words. Even though so, I still regret the fact that I've never learnt that bit more Teochew. I've always wanted to experience that grandparent-grandchild relationship, but never had the chance to. And if he was still alive today, and if my Teochew still fails me, I would try and pluck up that bit more courage and sit beside him when he drinks his pot of tea after dinner everyday. We would probably be silent through most of the pot of tea but at the end when the tea tastes bitter and I'm drinking more of the tea dregs and less of the tea itself, I hope the air between us grows that bit more warmer. And then one day eventually, he would start telling me stories about him growing up, meeting grandma, surviving WWII, having a family. And I want him to tell me things that only a grandfather would know after so many years living life. He would probably tell me to study hard so I wouldn't end up like him toiling hard most of his life. He would probably tell me that the business world is one for the fierce and ruthless and one that is not for his granddaughter. He would then tell me how to choose my partner in life, to choose someone of that certain animal zodiac. He would then probably grill me in the duties of being a wife and mother, being traditional as he is.

Yes, I missed out on being someone's granddaughter.

of wintry foods and minced meat eggy goodness

2011-07-12T17:59:00.003+10:00

Because it's uni term break now,
and because I should rightly be home Malaysia home right now with my family and homecooked food,
and because it's wintry cold and I thrive on sunshine,
and because almost everyone has abandoned the winter and me and left for sunny greener pastures,
and because I can,
I shall list my tummylicious comfort food for the winter.

1. porridge: plain ole' starchy mushy Chinese porridge. I can gobble a whole mangkuk down with a teaspoon of Chinese preserved shredded olives in under 5 minutes, and yes, I require no other condiments or side dishes to make it fancy. It's the simple things that make my tummy happy. It must be those potfuls of Sunday lunches made of good ole homemade porridge with the family.

2. cheesy pasta: 'nuff said. The more cheese(es), the happier I'll be. My go-to cheering-up food of all time.

3. steamed egg with minced pork: it's one of those dishes that remind me of my childhood dinners sitting around this small little table built right onto the wall in the old kitchen. The table was so small that all 4 of us was quite a tight squeeze. It's the simplest dish ever, but it's so homey that whenever I miss home, I just whip it up, steam the heck out of it, and every single time, a perfect yummylicious comforting eggy dish. And if I'm feeling a little naughty, I put in a wee bit of Chinese cooking wine.

4. sour/sweet plums: and preferably those that are seedless, thank you very much. I have this little annoyance with those itty bitty seeds. But, omg, what I would do to get a pack of those preserved plums. Must have inherited that rationale-killing unhealthy craving for plums from the mum.

5. tomyam soup: yes, I'm a Malaysian through and through and I need my soups to be spicy. And I'm of the female species so yes, I like my food to have a bit of that sour punch/kick to it. And since I'm a student and don't have the knowledge/time/mortar&pestle/grandmotherly instincts, I use the instant paste one, so sue me. But, it has to be that particular brand with the steamboat picture on the label, so don't say that I have no taste whatsoever. =) and yes, I inherited that particular knowledge from the mum. Again. She said and I quote (to something of this effect), " Never use any tomyam paste except this brand (cue serious unblinking Stare of Knowledge)".

6. yummy sugar-coated pastry: ditto.

shall continue this later on as I have a dishful of eggy mincymeat goodness to tuck into this cold wintry night.
be still, my fluttering heart and rumbling tummy.

2011-06-24T20:35:00.001+10:00

Not the right time, ey?
Must get out of this funk right here right now.
But as predicted of me, it's hard to not fall hard.
I've always the sort to turn back and go do something just like that.
Lack of courage aside, I keep telling myself that it's not the right time.
And it's too important, too precious to mess it up with just a spontaneous shout of 'ready, set, go'.
Yes, it's that special.
And I guess that's the reason I always did fall hard.
'Not wanting to crash and burn' is the excuse I'm using now.
So I'm sticking to my guns, thank you very much.

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2011-06-23T19:49:00.001+10:00

Sometimes, I just wanna do the seizing, regardless of the circumstances.
But I'm too mindful of the consequences to do it to it.
Not to mention, the trouble we took to get there.

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2011-06-02T21:14:00.001+10:00

This poem by Sarah Kaye is one of those unforgettable things, together with those precious precious memories.

If I should have a daughter, instead of Mom, she's gonna call me Point B, because that way she knows that no matter what happens, at least she can always find her way to me. And I'm going to paint solar systems on the backs of her hands, so she has to learn the entire universe before she can say, "Oh, I know that like the back of my hand." And she's going to learn that this life will hit you hard in the face, wait for you to get back up just so it can kick you in the stomach. But getting the wind knocked out of you is the only way to remind your lungs how much they like the taste of air. There is hurt here that cannot be fixed by Band-Aids or poetry. So the first time she realizes that Wonder Woman isn't coming, I'll make sure she knows she doesn't have to wear the cape all by herself. Because no matter how wide you stretch your fingers, your hands will always be too small to catch all the pain you want to heal. Believe me, I've tried. "And, baby," I'll tell her, don't keep your nose up in the air like that. I know that trick; I've done it a million times. You're just smelling for smoke so you can follow the trail back to a burning house, so you can find the boy who lost everything in the fire to see if you can save him. Or else find the boy who lit the fire in the first place, to see if you can change him." But I know she will anyway, so instead I'll always keep an extra supply of chocolate and rain boots nearby, because there is no heartbreak that chocolate can't fix. Okay, there's a few heartbreaks that chocolate can't fix. But that's what the rain boots are for. Because rain will wash away everything, if you let it. I want her to look at the world through the underside of a glass-bottom boat, to look through a microscope at the galaxies that exist on the pinpoint of a human mind, because that's the way my mom taught me. That there'll be days like this. ♫ There'll be days like this, my momma said. ♫ When you open your hands to catch and wind up with only blisters and bruises; when you step out of the phone booth and try to fly and the very people you want to save are the ones standing on your cape; when your boots will fill with rain, and you'll be up to your knees in disappointment. And those are the very days you have all the more reason to say thank you. Because there's nothing more beautiful than the way the ocean refuses to stop kissing the shoreline, no matter how many times it's swept away. You will put the wind in winsome, lose some. You will put the star in starting over, and over. And no matter how many land mines erupt in a minute, be sure your mind lands on the beauty of this funny place called life. And yes, on a scale from one to over-trusting, I am pretty damn naive. But I want her to know that this world is made out of sugar. It can crumble so easily, but don't be afraid to stick your tongue out and taste it. "Baby," I'll tell her, "remember, your momma is a worrier, and your poppa is a warrior, and you are the girl with small hands and big eyes who never stops asking for more." Remember that good things come in threes and so do bad things. And always apologize when you've done something wrong. But don't you ever apologize for the way your eyes refuse to stop shining. Your voice is small, but don't ever stop singing. And when they finally hand you heartache, when they slip war and hatred under your door and offer you handouts on street-corners of cynicism and defeat, you tell them that they really ought to meet your mother.

It was one of those great Ted talks.

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2011-05-28T18:18:00.001+10:00

Guilty secret #17353:
I'm a softie at heart.
Quite a big one.
My eyes get a wee wet from quite a lot of things.
And my heart breaks a little every time I hear a sob story.
So, all I gotta do now is build some sort of filter-barrier around my prefrontal cortex.
Protective covering around prefrontal cortex=better tolerance to stimuli.

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2011-05-02T21:44:00.001+10:00

Guilty pleasure #27944:
I'm obsessed with Pocky.
And not just any Pocky.
The strawberry Pocky.
Hint: gimme that and my eyes become stars.

Currently munching on said Pocky makes nephrology a bit bearable now.

And on a less frivolous note, the US of A is rejoicing the death of bin Laden, terrorist mastermind.
One down and lots more to go.
I've never been a fan of the "justice and revenge" thing.
But if he really is the 21st century Adolf Hitler, then when push comes to shove, chuck him down an elevator shaft and be done with it.

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2011-04-29T14:36:00.001+10:00

I'm betting that THE wedding dress is a long sleeve white one with a medium-length train and lace or mesh inserts for sleeves.
and for the love of all that is romantic and the stuff of girly childhood dreams, I hope there's not a pouffy sleeve or long veil in sight.
RIP Diana definitely got it bad with the pouffy sleeves and the 35m train.
And I'm putting it out here that I like Diana better than Kate. Hands down. It's a no-brainer. I like a bit of spirit/backbone to my princesses, thank you very much. With a touch of scandal.
And Kate kinda reminds me of a brunette Barbie.

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2011-04-28T15:37:00.001+10:00

Current earworm for the week: Sara Bareilles

Pieces of paper float between, and I could've sworn that something was said,
But my eyes were tightly shut and I can't read between the lines.
I think I'm ready to bleed, but I'm not sure that the elements are in place.
So you and me will always be in between the lines.

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2011-04-10T21:37:00.001+10:00

Guilty pleasure #15384:
I am seriously addicted to the lil ole food store on Lygon near my place.
I am especially addicted to choice no.16 on ciabatta.

I swear whenever I take a bite, my senses go into overdrive.
A little taste of food nirvana.
Every. Single. Time. Without. Fail.
Seriously.

How I wish I had tons of no.16 ciabattas delivered to my doorstep every single day.
Because the sky turns abit brighter and people seem kinder and flowers blooms abit more.
Yes, I'm that dedicated to my little ciabatta.

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of cheese omelets and birthdays

2011-03-23T19:45:00.003+11:00

Parcels from home are my absolute favourites.
they beat delicious books and yummy bacon omelets and steamy chai hands down.
and let me tell you that bacon omelets are like right up there on my comfort food list aka pretty much unbeatable.
there's just something nice and homey and creative about making an omelet. you can add whatever you fancy, whatever you have in the fridge.
you can never ever go wrong with the comforting feeling of eggs in your tummy.
and add the smokey sizzle of bacon and cheese and it's like food nirvana in your tummy.
and yes, i'm very shameless about my cheeses.
i will add cheese to absolute anything and everything.
i once add parmesan cheese to instant noodles and proceeded to slurp the whole bowl down and patted my rounded warm tummy in a record 10 minutes.
and guilty secret #299720: i once had a blue day and went to the supermarket and bought a chunk of smoked dutch cheese and ate the entire chunk in one sitting while watching Friends and washed it down with water. and i went back to being cheerful ole' me in record time. cheese does that to me. it's magic, people.

but i digress.
so being all grown up and moving to a new continent and setting up house and doing the chores is all pretty fun.
but then, whenever March hits, i just get a little blue for not being back at home.
something cool about our family: dad's and mum's birthdays are just two days apart in March. and it always sucks that we never get to do it together ever since i've been here.
and birthdays are always a fun thing for us because birthdays celebrate us being here, being part of a family.
in a way, i always think of birthdays as the special day that you feel extra thankful and grateful
and yes, while you should feel that way every single day for that person, but more often than not, it's so easy to take advantage of the fact that person is always always always there and sometimes, it takes that one special day to pull you back down to earth and say to yourself, 'if that person was never born, i would never be the awesome person that i am now. i would never have this much fun and love and extra kisses and hugs. and most of all, i would feel a whole heap less loved.'

yes, much of being all grown-up, dad and mum are pretty much the cheese omelets of my life.
and when i've had a blue day, i just fry myself one and rant to mum about it (and she tells dad. she tells him everything.)
and the next minute, I'll be grinning silly to myself and it'll be a perfect day.

2011-03-14T20:02:00.001+11:00

Sara Bareilles = best songs for those nights when you're alone trying to get through your work pile
"Send me the moon" is currently on replay now.
Her sophomore album "Kaleidoscope Heart" kicks ass.

When I hear that song, Sandra comes into my mind, unbidden.
Guess that song's yours,babe.

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2011-03-13T22:45:00.001+11:00

Guilty pleasure #19273648:
I'm a sucker for those late-night radio shows with the ubiquitous word "love" in their title.
"Love songs with xxx", "Fall in love with xxx" etc.

Yes, THOSE shows where lonely/broken/happilypairedup hearts call in and ramble a spin and a yarn and where cheesy love songs play endlessly.
It always ends my day perfectly.
Yes, I'm shameless that way.

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2011-03-12T16:30:00.001+11:00

I seriously think my sense of color has been sucked dry to the bone.
I looked at my shoerack today and all I see are black, white, grey and brown.
Omg, depressingly uncolourful much?

Then I opened my wardrobe and all i could see are black, white, grey and beige to match my sensibly-colored shoes.

I've never been a very sensibly-colored-or-patterned person ever since I was born.
But being sensibly-coloured-and-patterned comes with the territory of being professional and reliable and trustworthy.

Damn.

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2011-03-09T22:34:00.001+11:00

Don't think twice.
If you pay the price, she'll let you deep inside.
And it's her secret garden.
And then you'll complete her.

Bruce Springsteen's 'Secret Garden' has been played 32 times on my iTunes thus far.

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2011-03-08T22:56:00.001+11:00

Just a quick note to self:
Currently on the oncology ward rounds now. End-of-life decisions are being made all the time on the ward by the team, patient and family.
And today I saw this normally-unflappable middle-aged man crying inconsolably after a talk with our consultant. He loved his dying mother so much that I very nearly teared up.
My heart clenched just at that moment.
All I could do was offer him a box of tissues.

But reflecting on it now, that mother must be one heck of a mother/caregiver/companion/human being to bring about such a reaction in her family.
Her life must have been one of selflessness,love,sacrifice,courage and all the good, good, good things in the world.
She means THAT much to people around her.
And with that, my heart unclenched just a wee bit.

And there it is, Sandra. Here's to you.

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2011-03-08T21:16:00.001+11:00

Hello sunshine.
Hello research.

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2011-02-27T21:39:00.001+11:00

The BFG of my life.
With the terrifying GuanGong eyebrows and cheekbones I would kill for that he oh-so-fortunately inherited from our mum while I got dad's little-kid-chubby cheeks.

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2011-02-27T12:03:00.002+11:00

1. i miss my girls. both my Melbourne and Malaysia ones. clinical school and a male buddy/clinical partner can do that to you.

2. i'm back to being healthy me which i missed.

3. i'm not going back to Malaysia this year. sigh.

4. i have the concentration span of a magpie. ooh, look, a shiny thing!

5. i need to knuckle down!

6. i'm going to UK soon-ish! woohoo.

7. the best part of the UK elective, i get to do it with my travel buddy and i'm going to see my Aunt Mary and my mum gets to see her sister Mary and we're all gonna be one big happy family for CNY. woohoo.

8. i'm dedicating 'Best Laid Plans' to you. everytime i do such a thing, i think the turkey's done but the next minute, i'm falling down the rabbit hole. again. woohoo. do i like being Alice or what?!

2010-10-28T22:23:00.002+11:00

quickies of the month:

1. i'm well into my 1st month of having a car here in Melbourne.
and thankfully, no mishap of sorts. *deep sigh of relief*

2. i'm finally finally finally confirmed for my 2nd med volunteer trip in this year! this time, it's to exotic spicy India! woohoo. and even though it's a 10-day thingy, it'll be tons of fun with the travel buddy slash rommie again! top things to do there: guzzle as much lassi as i can possibly hold without getting 'rotund', eat as much paneer as i can possibly hold without getting 'rotund' and hopefully smuggle both the lassi and paneer to the BFG back home without getting caught. and of course, learning as well, but that's on the backburner? lols.

3. i think i'm getting way too sentimental/empathetic for my own good. more face-to-face physical contact with real-deal patients sometimes does havoc to your carefully-constructed professionalism barrier. but i'm having a long-awaited 5-day break starting tomorrow to gather my thoughts and just breathe and breathe slow.

4. Melbourne is shedding its frost and gearing for a lovely warm balmy summer. which I'm thankful for.

5. i'm feeling my brain slowly, very slowly fill to its brim. a good sign, i hope.

6. finally bought a cheesecake from The Cheesecake Shop near the hospital. dragged the buddy who was complaining the whole way over there to get one but he got a complimentary slice for accompanying me. and now he's blaming me for making him 'rotund'. geez. and i thought girls were hard to please.

7. i do miss the Northern Hospital. =(

8. i love the Austin Hospital. =)

9. i'm hard to please, no? lols.

of the beeg beeg decision

2010-09-26T11:30:00.004+10:00

I'm fast becoming a beeg, beeg girl. (in a beeg, beeg world. It's not such a beeg, beeg thing.)
it was a blardy steep learning curve this weekend. had to wrap my head around those damn new car terms.
but thanks to the parentals, it's worth it.
coz I just managed to make the 1st huge purchase in my 22 years of life.
yes, Mel has gotten herself a shiny new car.
and has been spending waaaay too much time reading up on car insurance and little thingamajids that compose a better-functioning car. oh mannnn, it feels like I'm reading up on a test and will be having a pop quiz anytime soon and might fail miserably at it. but I'm a meddie and stereotypical as this might sound, I'll grit my teeth and go through the whole process and hopefully ace it.

much as I love trains and trams, a car is the way to go, thanks to Northern and bird-early ward rounds.
granted it wasn't the nice bright colour that I wanted, it's still a breeze to drive in and it'll let me sleep in for just another half hour, which to a medical student is like a albeit-small-but-precious gold nugget.
so, hello hook turns and astronomical car park fees.
goodbye trams and trains. *sobs* I'll miss you. truly.

dear Sandra, I wonder what kinda car you would have gotten? I bet it's something yellow or red. you would so totally look at home with a nice sunshiny car.

of bucket lists and gold nuggets

2010-09-10T23:03:00.004+10:00

so it's that stage of life where friends around me are pairing and cosying up during the wintry months when I just got out of a relationship.
must be that primal human instinct that requires you to seek body warmth, companionship, aid in the winter blues that come. lols.

and it's not enough of an excuse for people to pair up just because they want someone's hand to hold or someone to call in the wee hours of the morning just to wish goodnight/goodmorning.
so when the buddy kindly beat around the bush repeatedly as to when and who am I going to snare as my next armcandy, I not-so-kindly retorted repeatedly that I'm still 22 and have all the time in the world in settling down with a member of the XY species, preferably sometime after I've done all the things on my 'before-30-bucket-list'.
or if that armcandy is so willing, he can come with me on my trip of bucket-list-ing.
but it's my 'before-30-bucket-list'.
so no nagging, no overprotective macho-ism, no overbearing comments, no patronising smile, thank you very much.
or he could just sky-dive his way out of my life, which he could do pretty soon down the bucket list, seeing as sky-diving is no.1.

the 'before-30-bucket-list' may seem a little overambitious, to the practical eye.
but if it's not meant to be done, then at least I could at least say that I tried.
and you could take that little gold nugget right to the bank.

so to bucket list or not bucket list, there is no question about it.

and yes, I'm talking about you. You who supposedly settled. Please don't come around with a heartbreak expecting a box of tissues and a pat on the back because it ain't happening. You're one of those who just crave human contact, rather than the experience of it. I may sound catty, but that's the truth, honey.

of diabetes and the drug-addled situation

2010-09-09T23:06:00.002+10:00

diabetes tutorials that I've done in 4 days: a grand total of 3.
plus a few hours spent on writing up notes on this bread-and-butter topic.

and whenever I knuckle down and read about diabetes, the face of that young man in Samrong floats in my mind's eye.
he's barely 16 and he suffers from DM 1.
he's already had an episode of diabetic nephropathy and he swells up every so often.
he has this shy smile on his face whenever he sees me in the hallway. he recognises me as one of the few med students tagging along on ward rounds, one of the Asian barangs. first few times he sees me, he ducks around the corner and watches us from afar with that smile of his face.
and he's just younger than me by a few years. and that's the most heartbreaking part.

and the 2nd heartbreaking part is he's on friggin' metformin.
no life-saving/life-sustaining/life-giving insulin for him.
he's on a DM 2 drug which technically doesn't do much for his DM 1 condition.
it's like giving a starving man one measly jelly bean.
all because there are no fridges in the village, no equipment for insulin therapy, no funds for it.
and DM1 has crappy prognosis without insulin. period.

and that's the absolute absolute absolute worst part.
and there's still people who are not squandering away their insulin stash by not adhering to their regime.

2010-09-07T21:06:00.002+10:00

Mel shall be running on adrenaline this whole week until Friday when she will crash and burn on her bed.
no thanks to her being car-less, the blardy traffic, the peeps that live on the opposite of town, the ruralness of the hospital and damn early ward rounds.

but complaints aside, it has been a wonderful start to the rotation.
something must be said about the stereotypical country hospitality that I've experienced since being here.
people there are just supremely supremely nice and comforting and gentle and just oh-so-kind.

2010-09-05T22:14:00.002+10:00

Things I've done last week:

- finished up my 1st rotation through the deadly 5 specialties: derm, ortho, plastics, rheum & anaes. Have to say it's been fun. Might be due to the various cute, charismatic, swoon-worthy surgeons in attendence.

- found out that I've seriously a weak spot for intelligent, geeky guys, regardless of looks. See above point. 'Nuff said.

- became Medleys' Miss Lighting again for the 2nd time running. And gobbled down the chocs given as a thank-you gift with the BFG before the weekend is out. And butterflies still fly about in the tummy area when I hear Mr Director belt out tunes in his incredibly-knee-buckling voice.

- spent quite some time chatting/gossiping with Miss Stage Manager, Mr Assistant Stage Manager & Miss AV throughout the week. Bonded over our shared abhorrence of the spotlight and intermission lollies.

- am 1/3 my way to Vellore, India for yet another med volunteer trip. 2 trips in just 1 year. Golly, am I climbing the humanitarian ladder hard and fast!

- cleaned out my shared locker with Miss Pocket Rocket at dear ole' Austin and preparing ourselves for our 6 weeks at the almost-painfully-rural Northern Hospital.

- met dear Miss Foodie J at this quaint quirky Jap pottery and cafe for some yummy-tummy Jap food. Made her promise to visit me back home.

Things that I have to do this coming week:
- learn the blardy renal system by heart.

- recite the features of diabetes and its management in my sleep.

- survive my 1st week at Northern and not be late for any classes.

of opening doors and battlescars

2010-08-18T20:18:00.004+10:00

people say 'one door closes and another one opens'.
and even though it's not quite the same door as the last one that slammed shut in my face, i'll still take it with outstretched hands.
because if that's what is meant to be, then so be it.
I'd rather live for myself then pine it away.

and I've always believed that everything happens for a good reason.
not saying that I'll slum around waiting for an opening.
you still got to work your arse off for it.
but i've had many fair share of disappointments in my life which I've had the battlescars to parade around.
and somehow, by believing in that little philosophy, it doesn't sting as much.
and everyone knows that the key to a happy long stress-free life is well... happiness and no stress.
so if that little line is true, then everything falls into place at the right time, right place with the right people in the right circumstances.
it happens for a good good good good reason.

then I guess this tightly-shut door is probably not a good reason.
I was hoping it would be right in all the ways, but it seems not to be the right time or circumstances for quite a long time.
and I thought that just with the right people, it would just become and gel and solidify and create something quite amazing and wonderful.
but still, TFTM.

2010-08-16T23:54:00.003+10:00

seen quite a number of aeroplanes these few days, even though I was kept indoors.
and as unoriginal as this sounds, I kinda wish now that they were shooting stars because then I would get a whole bunch of wishes.
and even though I've been pretty much a very lucky kid not wanting of anything thus far and have the most perfect family and friends, there are still things that are on my wish list off the top of my head right now.
lols.
want much?

and I've been wishing for quite a while now but I think this is one shooting star that's destined to crash and burn. Literally. Officially today.
I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done.
Note to self: repeat mantra 10000000x everyday.

of preludes

2010-08-07T21:37:00.002+10:00

2nd week: DONE!
flew by like the wind.
the group's been awesome and awfully supportive.
I must have had done a thousand and one good deeds in my past life to deserve such nice people.
and it's a whole lot easier now to blend into the hospital setting. the nice officewear mum got me definitely helped ease the transition. lols.
but on a serious note, it's better now. much much better.
and i'm starting to enjoy the various perks that comes with the statement 'I'm a student doctor' and wearing my fuchsia pink (I'm shameless that way. but in my defense, I'm a very visual person. bright bright bright bright colours make my day!) stethoscope around my neck.
i'm learning to sit back and enjoy the ride.
it's tough as nails and not for the faint-hearted but there's a big difference between 'this has been what I've always wanted to do' and 'I have no idea why I'm trying this hard'.
and thankfully, I belong to the former category.
and those 5 pre-clinical semesters were just a long, unavoidable prelude to all this awesomeness.

and eventhough I still feel as small as a squash-able bacteria whenever some consultant grills me on the different types of eczema and I reply with an intelligent "ummmm", I still wake up at 6am with no complaints and take the earlier train so I can get there just in time to put my tote into the locker and walk down the now-familiar hallway with a bound in my step.
because I remember that my ultimate dream job is just a few steps away and I can totally see now that I'm on my way there.

of onesies and dermatology

2010-08-01T16:24:00.002+10:00

have been gorging myself with bloody, pus-ey, gross pictures of thingamajigs that grow on skin all day yesterday, thanks to the damn Derm rotation.
enough was enough.
so headed out for much-needed sunshine and yummy goodness on a bright Sunday morning in the form of warm crusty (no, not that kinda crust with dried serum, blood and cellular debris in the Derm clinics) ricotta hotcakes with blueberries and the company of the BFG.
I'm having this obsession with blueberries right now. Blue naevi, anyone? OMG, need to stop with the Derm glossary items!

and came home with sackful of groceries, salmon pate and baguette (whenever I carry the baguette, I always get transported mentally to Paris) from my beloved French charcuterie and the cutest blanket sleeper/onesie/bunny suit pyjamas in blue for the BFG from Peter Alex. I saw that adorable thing in the shop window just yesterday and have been hankering to get it for the BFG and today, the BFG took one look and wanted one right away and is happily wearing it around the apartment right now with the cutest look of glee.

definition of blanket sleeper: a one-piece of pyjama that consists of long pants and sleeves akin a long playsuit!
defintion of BFG: Big, Friendly Giant (inspired by dear Mr Dahl from one of my fave children's book) aka the brother's latest nickname

now the BFG looks like an overgrown baby in blue!

2010-07-30T23:44:00.002+10:00

just a quick celebratory post for my very 1st week in adult clinical school.
pre-clinical uni years were baby clinical school.
now i'm playing in the bigger leagues, so gotta up the ante.

have just barely survived the 1st week, with not as much emotional or psychological scarring as I thought I would have, though the physical and mental part is kinda taxing, after a whole year of nice, relaxing AMS research.
now it's back to the 9 to 5 game, with exams and impromptu quizzes tossed in.
so the moment I got back home slightly earlier than usual on Friday evening and didn't have the responsibility of feeding the BFG, I curled up in a ball and slept for an hour.
and let me tell you this, I'm never one for naps. I don't nap. period.
but I just couldn't help myself. the bed looked so inviting.

other than a much-needed weekend respite, it's been a good week, chock full of newly-established relationships and newly-relearnt information.
the buddy has been an absolute hoot to hang out with, and I'm mighty glad I swiped him up when buddies were up for grabs. I don't think I would've wanted it any other way. and now, the comedian that he is, has taken to call me his PA aka the JB gangster girl, thanks to me telling him one day that my greatgrandfather was a triad boss in JB.
I'm still searching for a nice, kick-ass nickname to peg him with.
gotta go dig up more dirt on him then.

but until then, back to those bloody (pun intended) dermatological conditions.

of new beginnings and not-quite-endings

2010-07-25T17:01:00.004+10:00

Dear Sandra,

It's been slightly more than 6 months and I'm getting better at this. Maybe time does heal all wounds or maybe it's just getting a bit intense right now at clinical school and I'm kept busy. But not to worry, babe, you're never far away from my thoughts. And thanks for teaching me patience and the acceptance of the inevitable.

and tomorrow's the start of something new and scary. I'll feel like an idiot most of the time I expect and then there will be lightbulb moments too. More of the lightbulb moments I pray. and even though I know I'm doing this all for myself, there are still external factors at play here which I do not want to let down. I pray that I'll be just that little bit more brave and mature and not lose any of myself in the process. So, watch over me. After all, you never got that well-deserved milestone and I want you to see it unfold every step of the way.

To new beginnings and not-quite-endings,
xoxo

p.s. I wonder why it still stings just that little bit. it's been quite a while, hasn't it? maybe I just need that hoped-for male ego boost, but it seems that it's a long way coming, babe. I wonder whether I should still play Patience by myself or abandon card-playing for something else.

of UHU glue and guy candy

2010-07-10T02:18:00.003+10:00

the thing about having a best friend born on the same day as you in the same damn hospital ward exactly 22 years ago and knowing each other for the past 15 years is that you're stuck being sisters for life.
let's face it: there must be some divine intervention up above basically Uhu-glueing you two together, whether you like it or not.

so since she got herself some boy candy on her arm, i got to do my job and make sure the guy is not some kinda no-balls scumbagjerkpig, all rolled into one.
and i went surveying with Edna in tow, which consisted of a Thai dinner and an overnight stay at her hostel.
and i saw a different side of her.
she giggles now.
she blushes now.
she even stays up late at night now. (which she almost never does, even for exams)
it's an amazing, sweet, cute change.
she's still the same old down-to-earth sister that i never had.
except for the occasional sweet blush on her cheeks, her bashful comments about him, that 'Mars and Venus in a Relationship' book by her bed.
and her asking me about all the mechanics of relationships, which i might not the be the best person to ask, seeing as i've had 2 failed relationships, of 1 which is the classic example of a bad relationship.
the guy in her life seems decent enough to be gentlemanly, responsible enough to be the chairperson of 2 committees, humorous enough to make her giggle, special enough to make her overlook the fact that 1) he's one year younger 2)he's the same height as her (being taller than her WAS a prerequisite).
and eventhough i was hoping that she would get a guy that matched her exact ideal type (being together for 15 years made me well aware of her ideal guy type) and this present one happens to match only half of the prerequisites, when she asked my opinion of the guy,
i said, "as long as he makes you feel special and beautiful, and you go to bed with a smile on your face after he calls to say goodnight to you, and you wake up and think it's gonna be an awesome day because you get to see him, and your quarrels are nothing compared to his sweet smses, and you willingly make sacrifices for each other without losing yourselves in the process, and most importantly, you feel genuinely happy just being with him without feeling guilty, then he's a keeper. and he can count me as a friend anytime anywhere, as long as he doesn't make you cry because if he does, i know people in Penang who have quite important strings."

and she blushingly said, "i do feel happy with him."

and that was enough for me. for the time being.
and eventhough i have this intensifying niggling tinge in my heart that reminds me that there's a 3rd person now in this 2-person deal i have with her, it's ok as long as she still blushes and giggles and is sweet and happy... and of course, still calls me by my chinese name and is around to have late-night MSN convos with.

of cycling and fair babies

2010-07-05T01:40:00.003+10:00

another great thing that came out from the medical volunteer thingy is my current addiction to cycling.
I so want a bicycle when I get back to Melbourne.
preferably one that is white or light blue and has a nice wicker basket in the front.
so the parents had enough of me going on and on about how cycling is oh-so-thrilling, and took the BFG and me off for a Sunday chock full of small towns in the Johor state.

since we were going up north, we decided to go as up north as we could possibly go and ended up at my godsister's homely place.
she just had a baby girl 3 months ago.
so up we went to catch our 1st glimpse of Princess Joey and welcome her into the family.
and we whipped out our package full of Pumpkin Patch cute togs handpicked all the way from Melb for the princess as a welcome gift.
and the moment I saw my little niece, I swear this particular lyric came into mind:

So they sprinkled moondust in your hair of gold
and starlight in your eyes of blue.
- Close To You - The Carpenters -

she had the fairest-almost-translucent skin and the biggest darkest orbs that you can totally sink yourself in and the most amazing, tantalising baby smell ever.
and your heart would totally melt when she grabs your finger with her perfect little soft hands with the cutest tiniest fingernails on them.
and embarrassingly enough, I had this jolt of reality when I caught myself surprised at Joey's super fair skin because for the past month, I've been around Cambodian babies that are super tanned, like a miniature me and I kinda got accustomed to the fact that babies, in general, are born tanned, like me. lols.
and even though Joey is but 3 months old, she has got a full head of downy, wispy hair that smells super good too.
and we decided that she would be the cutest AND smartest baby around the Muar area so we proceeded to sing her nursery rhymes and teach her the alphabet.
the alphabet was a wee bit ambitious but we managed to get her to say 'A'. but then again, it might be just some sound that she liked making at the moment because for some reason, it came out 'Ahhhh', instead of the standard 'A' pronunciation. and anxious little me decided that she just might start sprouting full English words miraculously anytime soon so I proceeded to teach her that A is for Apple.
and dad went, "since you're teaching her Apple, might as well teach her to say 'iPad', 'iPod' and 'iPhone'!" haha, very funny, dad who is a techno noob.
but who cares, I've already made up my mind to shower my little niece with pretty pink summer dresses and picture books from Melbourne when I come back again in December. I've decided that Joey shall be the spunkiest, smartest, prettiest, coolest girl on the block.

then off for lunch at this old-school coffee shop in the middle of some hick-town that had the bestest steam fish before heading off for a postprandial cycle at an organic fruit and veggie farm which I was totally looking forward to.
with 4 weeks of perpetual cycling on a bumpy dirt road under my belt, I thought it would be a breeze.
and most of the farm's track was an easy trek but there were a few steep mountain (literally) climbs and my creaking rusty bike refused to change gears.
so being all gung-ho, I decided that tackling the steep climb head-on was the way to go, so cycling as fast as I could go seemed to be the solution, since changing gears was out of the question.
and it worked 3/4 of the way until my bike stopped crawling forward and proceeded to roll backwards in slow-mo.
and that was when I hopped off the bike willy-nilly and pushed the bike uphill, with no less embarrassment by the way.
blardy steep trails. I just managed to make it to the top of a teeny one. again, blardy steep trails.
and as a reward, yummy refreshing dragonfruit juice all around after the cycling trip.

current list of things to do:
- go for more spinning classes
- conquer the blardy steep trails at that farm the next time I come back. no pushing the bikes up, thank you very much. I refused to be subjected to such embarrassment again.
- after conquering the farm trails, conquer Mt Kinabalu.

of dream jobs and Buddha babies

2010-06-30T20:42:00.003+10:00

Dream job: Medecins sans frontieres

and they say the 1st step to any destination is often the longest, steepest, hardest stride.
so, together with the baking goddess and the ex-boy-next-door, I took the 1st step.
and the next thing I knew, I was in jeans and a stripey tee, setting foot down in the middle of rural rural rural (gotta emphasize how rural the place is!) Cambodia in sweltering dusty heat.

and the next next thing I knew, I was sharing a room, complete with mozzy nets, with the baking goddess and sharing a house with 2 dogs, 3 cats, numerous hens, 1 rooster that crows at weird intervals, countless bugs, the Khmer host family and a few volunteers.

and then, I was taking rounds with Cambodian doctors in a rural regional setting with a translator in tow and playing with Buddha babies in the Paeds ward. and then, I was mixing cement and scrapping paint off rusty beds and mending them and painting them a pretty cobalt blue and chopping trees down. and then, I was spending the afternoons watching the very-charming surgeon suture neat little stitches with as little string as the hospital can spare, eating Khmer ice cream, chatting/sign-languaging with the cute student nurses, devouring desserts at the local dessert stall and trying to get the roving little kids to tell us their names.

and all throughout that, I learnt to really read again, no thanks to crazy workload and hours in medical school and thanks to long long long afternoon siesta lunch hours established by the French in Cambodia and the very comfy hammock and my eBook reader. I also learnt quite a number of Khmer words to get by and to tell the very-friendly Khmers who insisted that I must be Khmer, thanks to my tanned complexion and my supposedly-Khmer ears and other features, that I'm from Malaysia (kunyom mopi Malaysi!!!).

TBC

2010-06-29T00:39:00.002+10:00

Dear Sandra,

In another 2 weeks' time, it'll be 6 months. Half a year. And I always thought I've pretty much kept a lid on the grief and loss issue and I thought I was well past the aching stage. But, when I finally saw you, I'm sure you saw me bawl my eyes out like a baby, like everything happened just yesterday. You would think that after 5 months plus of slowly adjusting to the idea of loss, completing a 10000-word theses and surviving a month in rural Cambodia, I would be able to look at things in perspective and hold myself together and basically not bawl like a baby. But, the moment when I actually stood in front of you and saw your beautiful beautiful beautiful face in all its black-and-white glory, I'm sure you felt me start to tremble.

And then, I saw your epitaph "Joie de vivre - till we meet again". And that was all it took, Sandra. It's been 5 months plus but it really didn't matter, did it? Coz at that instant and also right now, the wound feels as fresh as yesterday. These past months, I often see you in my mind and it gets a little easier to breathe whenever something or someone reminds me of you and my breath doesn't catch in my throat. You know I've cried my share already in Melbourne. And I wanted to come say goodbye to you properly for your sake and mine. And I'm glad I did, even though it hurts every bit as raw as before. Because there are things that just had to be said in person.

And our fathers had the time of their lives that day. They totally regressed back to their childhood days and did crazy stuff like eating 30 durians for dinner and waiting for coconut shakes. And Michelle was there the whole day, with your two adorable sisters. And did you see how tall Clara got nowdays?! She's like some kinda beansprout! She's way taller than me. and the way she eats her rice and dishes separately is totally adorable! And Laura is getting so spunky and cool now with the whole volleyball love affair. You know I'm a klutz when it comes to any ball stuff, so Laura with her spiker role is very admirable to uncoordinated people like me. And Michelle is the same crazy, cheerful, bubbly girl as before. You girls used to tell the craziest stories and go off on wild tangents and I was just happy to tag along and listen and occasionally pull you girls back down to earth. It was just 4 of us girls for the day, and it was good. But at lunch, I unconsciously did a quick lookaround the table, wondering a little belatedly about the absence.

I miss you, Sandra Wong. My nose prickles a little when I see your name. Your blog is still on my blog roll. Your name is still on my MSN contact list. Your mobile number is still in my phone. I still can't say the D word yet. I still think it's unfair that you're gone too soon. You left so indelible a presence that the world feels a little bit emptier without you occupying it physically. But I know you're still around, you're still around your dad and mum and sisters. And I hope sometimes, you'll come see me too.

xoxo

2010-05-17T20:26:00.003+10:00

I'm not sure whether it's coz of the thesis, the ongoing drama or the passage of time, but thoughts of Sandra lessen nowadays.
I'm not too sure whether that's a good thing.
it's only been 4 months.

but this time when I go back, I'm coming to see you, Sandra.

2010-05-11T10:02:00.002+10:00

I wake up
eat
edit my thesis
eat
edit my thesis
go for a fitness class (a girl needs to have some fresh air)
eat
edit my thesis
sleep.

whoa, how happening am I??!!

but in between bouts of hair-pulling and frantic flipping through articles and comfort eating, I get nice msn messages from the girls, which are like nuggets of warm melty chocolate. and heck care the internet quota, Youtube keeps me sane (korean MVs are hilarious!)

2010-05-06T01:30:00.002+10:00

it's late.
and the baking goddess msned me and said that random people have been posting comments on my blog and whatnot.
and lo and behold. there they were.

either have something meaningful to say or kindly read and navigate to other blogs where you can write about silly things.
thank you very much.

boy, i do sound catty.
but i blame late-night hunger pangs and my godforsaken thesis.
and of course, people who irritate the hell out of me.

2010-05-03T13:48:00.003+10:00

there is a plate of gooey, fudgy, honest-to-sinful-goodness choc brownies in my fridge.
ahhh, the little gastronomical pleasures of life, thank you.
and I've yet to offered anyone my little slices coz the nearest test subject is a baking goddess. and us mere mortals dare not offer up any baking goodies, because... well, her nickname reveals all.

and i dragged my brownie-fattened butt out of bed today at an ungodly hour this morning to get to a 7am fitness class.
so feeling totally virtuous today because of that, i got a yummy mocha, coz I figured after an hour of grunting and sweating and a bowl of muesli later, I deserved something special.
then I realized mocha is coffee + full-cream-milk + chocolate + sugar. and I proceeded to slurp everything down without giving a second thought. lols.

and I took my little S out for the 1st time today.
and if I do say so myself, man, did I feel like a rock chick (-wannabe perhaps? lols) with my leather jacket and the little S and Tokio Hotel playing!
all I was missing was kohl-lined eyes, black nail polish, killer boots and a smirk.
I went through the rock phase when I was in secondary school aka teenage rebellion era. and all I listened to was Linkin Park, The Police, Metallica, U2 etc. ooh and Aerosmith!
I think the older you get, the mellower your music tastes become, coz you just can't keep up with the manic beats anymore!
but BonJovi and The Eagles still rock my socks.
I'm not that old yet.

2010-05-02T15:09:00.002+10:00

i don't care.
imma make some gooey, messy, rich, melty, sinful saucepan brownies tonight.
i need the sugar to keep up my concentration.

2010-05-01T14:28:00.002+10:00

need to get back on the laundry and theses horse.
so a words post again.

birthdays season is upon me.
so happy birthday, my special best friend (lols, haven't used that term in a while). it's been ages since we did both our birthdays together. and I kinda miss you, not a whole lot, mind you. so don't get a bubble head. and I enjoy the random little smses that came out from nowhere and nothing. I'm waiting for a spin in the car when I head back soon.
and attended a ultra-chillax party yesterday, followed by another one this evening (which reminds me to dig through the closet for a cocktail dress) and then my little brother is turning 20 and my sane-est girlfriend's party in 2 weeks.
la-di-da. it's the social butterfly season.

jelly beans rock.
late-night MSN convos with the girl.
theses-chionging.
tea addict.
mocha lover.
and last but not least....
hello, Sennheiser surround system! *dances an Irish jig in glee*
it's too pretty and precious.
so thank you.

2010-04-29T14:29:00.002+10:00

slogging away on the dreaded theses.
MIKA is trying to cheer me up.
so many mugs of green tea that i think i'm turning green.

2010-04-22T19:15:00.002+10:00

I wanna watch Kick-Ass!!
superhero movies are sooo up my alley.
and MIKA did a great job for the OST.
he delivered the goods all right, as usual.
I so want the OST now to make my day.

"we are young, we are strong,
we're not looking for where we belong.
we're not cool, we are free,
and we're running with blood on our knees"

of phases

2010-04-21T20:55:00.003+10:00

One thing some people don't really know about me:
I have phases that I grow into and then grow out.
and I think my parents have always hoped and prayed that I would grow out of the whole 'having phases' thing.
coz my 'phases' affair cost them quite a bit of trouble.

there was one time I was crazily into the Egyptian civilisation.
my dad calls himself an 'armchair archeologist' since he fancies himself an Asian version of Indy Jones (who is like my absolute fave TV persona) and I think he's just too lazy to go out and trot the globe like Indy Jones. so he just sits there and reads and reads and reads like there's no tomorrow.
and because of that, I got into the whole Egyptian thing for a few months.
I read my dad's collection then proceeded to scour the miserable bookshops in JB.
I daydreamed of being Cleopatra.
I watched The Mummy and Indy Jones a thousand times.
and I even went a step further and decorated my class notice boards in that theme.
yes, I had the whole Egyptian enchilada going on. I had hieroglyphs running up and down the sides, sheets of sandpaper everywhere and my mum went to the pharmacy and cleaned out the entire stock of cloth bandages just so I could make a true blue 5-foot-tall mummy. none of that fake paper crap, thank you very much. I cut a Styrofoam mummy out then proceeded to wrap it in bandages and gave it googly eyes. It was the most beautiful thing I made! lols. and I secretly named it Clemmy the Mummy. it had to RHYME, of course.
and I think the bandages cost my mum a bomb. lols. but it was just so pretty.

and then before that, I had the whole space fantasy thing going on.
and we had this huge box that our new TV came in.
so for a few Sundays, my brother and I got into the damn box and proceeded to have 'space adventures'.

and then there was the whole Nanibird affair where I proceeded to print out tens of those colourful bird origami and made them.
and there was a whole fleet of birds on my cupboard in Trinity. like a regular apiary.

and I totally have art phases too.
there was one time I was way into crayons.
and another where I did nothing but oils for a few months.
and I nearly went into a scrapbook phase but thankfully, I bought a couple of mags and realized it was too expensive to maintain and scrapped the idea. pun intended.

and I have music phases too.
I am now unhealthily obsessed with DanM and Duffy. and I can't wait for her new album!

and of course I have book phases too.
Potter, LOTR, Meg Cabot etc.
and there was once I fancied myself to be philosophical so I read The Secret and proceeded to be skeptical about it for a few weeks. lols.

I am 22 now.
but I still have phases.
except I keep them on the down low.
I don't need people going all bug-eyed when I tell them my latest fetish, thank you very much.

of 22

2010-04-18T14:23:00.004+10:00

Yes, I'm officially 'less younger' now.
and it's a beautiful warm balmy Sunday afternoon.
it's one of those rare sunshiny weekends in the midst of a cold snap. and I like to think it's nature's birthday gift to moi, a summer baby who nearly got sadly frozen solid last week.

and i'm sipping my yummy lemon tea in my pretty pink mug, complete with flower motif and a huge saucer (courtesy of dear Kim who is my absolute fave AMS buddy).
and my uber precious bicycle luggage tag (courtesy of PY, the baking goddess of my life) is standing on my study lamp. my leafy journal and pen is safely on my nightstand, girl. lols.
and I've got one more new addition to my horde of unread books (thanks to Rach) and another Borders voucher from the primary school peeps. woohoo.
and I've another pretty addition to my study table. a pristine-white stationary holder from KikkiK from Jacqjacq.
and I've got another pretty clutch to choose from when I go out to paint the town red (thanks to J and Sha). and it's in that pretty turquoise colour that you seldom get anywhere.
and I'm waiting for a wintry night to indulge in Kylie's (who's my lifesaver in AMS) hot choc and pecan bikkies.
and mum and dad as usual, got me a beautiful present.
and can I just say how well my girls know me??!!

but even when I'm surrounded by my horde of new treasures, the cards and messages and tags that came with them are still the most precious for me.
dad always has little nuggets of wisdom that he'll give out all the time when I was young, even when I had no idea what it meant and I would just nod along sagely and pretend that I understood his philosophy lessons.
and one of them came to mind as I put away oh-so-carefully the little gems of words that came with the pretty gifts.
"This too shall pass"
eventually, I'll exchange the voucher for books
I'll finish Rach's book
the stationery holder, the clutch, the luggage tag, the pen will sadly succumb to wear and tear
the mug might get smashed
ditto for the hot choc and bikkies and journal.

but I'll have my drawerful of little cards of sweet, touching messages that I would never exchange for anything in the world.
and I've been surrounded by words my whole life.
and that's why those little gems matter the most to me.

*I have 2 fave cards out of the whole lot. one that mum and dad gave me when I turned 21 that I bluetagged to my wall. and the second one from the baking goddess a few days ago. *

and I got the nicest birthday present from my sister-from-another-mother who is just 2 hours older than me and that I've known for practically 3/4 of my life.
she's happily in the throes of her first relationship.
and I was so so so so so happy for her coz she's the sweetest, mildest-mannered girl I've known.
and I love her to bits.
and any guy would be lucky beyond words to be with her.
but being the overprotective 'younger' twin, I totally FB-stalked him and asked around to make sure he was a decent guy, and not some annoying egoistical jerk.
well, it probably was a little extreme to be doing that all the way in Melbourne, when they are in Singapore.
but hey, this is my 'twin' I'm talking about. 'nuff said.
and it was soooo cute when she talked about how she misses him, and how she wants to be with him constantly. it's still the 'honeymoon' stage for them. and boy, was it surprising hearing that from her! she's always the more rational one between the 2 of us, the quieter, the one that has her feet planted firmly on the ground, never the emotional one, never the rash one.
and seeing this side of her is adorable.
and I admit that I'll feel a bit leftout when I go back to see her in June, because now there's also him there. and his calls might be a tad more important to her now.

even so, it's the nicest birthday gift that she can ever give me:
her being in love and being pampered and spoiled like the precious sweet little thing that she is.
that night, I fell asleep with a silly grin on my face.

of heels

2010-04-14T09:45:00.002+10:00

I may look like a robust, strapping girl of 21 about to turn 22. lols.
but I'm quite tiny compared to my much-taller friends and even-taller Melbournians.
so, heels are quite the way to go.
too bad I love my white Keds-like and black studded flats too damn much for comfort's sake.

but I've seen the most amazing heels around and heel heights are soaring recently.
even Yahoo! had an article about it.
apparently, heel heights go up, up, up when there's like a recession going on eg the Great Depression during the 1930s, the oil crisis in 1950s and when the dotcom bubble burst during the 2000s.
and of course, there's a great big stinky global financial crisis going on right now.
and wearing sky-high heels gives women a sense of 'escapism'.
it might sound silly but I think I can understand.
when I put on a pair of heels, it no doubt makes me taller, but it also just changes the way I look, walk. at the risk of sounding ditzy, heels make me feel confident and all woman. you get the extra sparkle in your eyes, the extra 5 cm for your legs, the extra sheen to your complexion, the extra muscle tone in your calves.
yes, I make heels sound like magic shoes. but it does that for me.

grrrr.... if only I can walk around long enough in them for people to notice the Mel Version 2.0.
lols.

of Sydney and today

2010-04-12T00:56:00.002+10:00

I'm loyal to Melb like that.
It was one non-stop eating, sightseeing trip to Sydney with the girls. Shall summarise it in those words post coz I'm lazy like that.

Aching feet pounding the pavement.
3 girls in an apartment = nonstop slumber party.
Sydney sunshine.
Fresh sashimi.
Bondi love but none of the hunky eyecandy.
Crazy Supre purchases.
Afro Funk.
Paddington that reminded me of the bear.
Living in the 2nd hand bookshop slash cafe.
Hurricane ribs.
Fried Mars bar.
Fresh fresh fresh pasta.
German mango beer.
King Lear.

and I'm one heck of map-reader/navigator, thank you very much.
Take that, you who says that I'm directionally-challenged!
I only got us lost ONCE throughout 3 and a half days. So there.
And the other time didn't count, coz we were on the right street. I just got the numbers mixed-up.

and I know that I cut the strings already. But it still stings when you parade for all to see. Whoop de do.
I have a mind to go do one of those witchy dancing chanting bonfire things to rid myself of the presence because it happens to be that day. lols.

and Sandra, it also happens to be the 3rd month since you've been gone. Your grandmother must be with you there, huh? So you probably won't be that lonely. I've been good these few months, trundling along with my theses and I'm going to turn 22 in a few days. And this time, my birthday will feel different, what with you gone and all that happened. But, I hope and I know you'll be there with me. I still miss you but it's been easier to breathe now whenever something reminds me of you and I was able to walk along normally that day when I saw someone that looked like you in Sydney. My heart skipped a beat for an instant but I forced myself to look down at my map and just occupied myself with navigation. And I kept telling myself, that it was merely one of those mirages. And a few seconds later, I looked up and we neared the girl and she was clearly not you. You were much more effervescent and bubbly.

Even though we weren't best friends and we didn't talked all the time, I hope you know how much you mean to me and how indelible your presence in my life was and still is.
It's getting better with time, Sandra. The moment it doesn't is when I'll throw up a light and wait for someone. I promise.

2010-04-05T22:36:00.002+10:00

oooh, I toally forgot to write that my godsister gave birth to the cutest little girl-muffin.
it's like a commemorative day for me.
even though I've been an aunt a few times already (geez, kids these days grow up waaay too fast), but this is like the very first time I'm a godaunt (this term is right, right?).
and check this out: the little princess is named Joey Tok, Tok being the surname of course.
but I just think it's really cool that my little godniece is called Joey! it's like the name of one of those funky, confident, altheletic, painfully-cool, hip girl. a girl called Joey has none of those princessy, whiny, bitchy business, thank you very much.

oooh, I so can't wait to meet the girl of the hour.
but how I wish she could've waited til my birthday.
my godsister was hoping we could share the same birthday. but too bad, Joey was too impatient.
I can't wait to buy lots of pretty funky clothes for her.
and I need to get her some picture books too. I want my godniece to be a reader. lols.

2010-04-04T22:58:00.003+10:00

managed to finish He's Just Not That Into You in a record 2 days.
my speed-reading is back, my friend.
and what an insightful read it was.
sharp as tacks and hilarious.
the kinda book that tells it as it is.
all about tough love, no frills or thrills, setting the bar up high.
and even though it was kinda hard to swallow at first, at the end of it, you feel like the awesome girl that you are.
note to self: don't waste the pretty.

2010-04-04T00:09:00.003+11:00

when I was a kid, we used to go out to the gardens on Sundays. My parents would drag me and Qiang along for a jog and they would promise us a trip to the swings.
and like every public property in JB, the swings were rusty.
and we would lower ourselves very gingerly onto the seats, careful not to cut ourselves.
and our parents would push away.
and as a kid, I was rather afraid of heights due to this tiny, scary-as-hell accident that involved chubby little me and those evil monkey bars.
but I would always gather that little bit left of courage and urged my parents to "push me higher to the skies". the clouds then were so fluffy.

and then we would always go this slope on the other side that looked down on one of the main roads of JB that fronted the straits of Johor.
the sea breeze would be wonderful.
and there were always so many kites.
and if we were good, my parents would have brought one along.
and we would take off our shoes and socks and run around barefoot on the cool grass, while my mum would yell at us about the various worms that would tunnel their way right into our soles and into our hearts and brains.

and at the end of the whole jogging and swing and kiting fiasco came the absolute highlight of the week.
this steep bukit-like grassy slope.
and I would again gather that little bit of courage and run madly down the slope with Qiang, shouting wildly.
we would seriously run pell-mell down a steep slope.
oh hell, I was damn afraid of tumbling down and breaking all my 206 bones.
but it was kinda liberating.

well, today, I got to lie on the grass again, barefeet, with lovely music playing and the fluffy clouds and bubbles above.
all I needed was a swingset and a steep slope.

i'm falling overboard.

reading is going at a slower pace right now. but managed to finish 2 books this week. starting on He's Just Not That Into You which is sarcastic as tacks and enjoyable thus far. gotta remember it since I'm now single and ready to mingle. lols.

2010-03-30T20:53:00.002+11:00

the most mundane things make a nice day.

1. clean, authentic Jap lunch in an understated underground cavern of an Izakaya with fellow foodie, J. S's absence was sorely missed.

2. discovering J has many more quirky habits: being able to choke on enoki mushrooms (I offered to scissor them into shorter strands but J's too embarassed by it) and having what I deemed as a "brown thumb" due to her being able to plantsit a cactus and it withering away in just 3 days. A cactus that is able to survive 50degrees in the hot dessert sun without water can die in her hands. Good on you, J. You're the best.

3. finally finding the hole-in-the-wall that served the yummiest coffee in Melbourne. But I'll still go back to Seven Seeds, coz I'm loyal like that and it was one heck of a cramped hole at BBB. But the hanging chairs on the ceiling make a good convo topic, if they don't suddenly fall from the sky and hit you and your coffee-sipping friends.

4. sitting on the GPO steps, clutching said latte and enjoying live music in the warm sun.

5. said live music piqued my interest and I ended up joining their mailing list, becoming one of their many admirers.

6. watching little girls twirl around hand-in-hand to said live music on said steps.

7. indulging in an AWW magazine, seeing as I was too damn busy to go hangout at Borders' GJ.

8. managing to cook the most awesome "zha jiang" noodles for dinner. lols.

9. a 15-minute impromptu telephone convo with mum.

10. buying ingredients for a lean-mean beef, fennel and veggie soup for tomorrow's dinner. recipe from said AWW!

Dear Sandra, I keep going back to your blog, as if I expect you to pop in with a new post. And I still smile to myself when I go through your archive. You're such an amazing bubbly girl. Yes, you are.

of half circles and 10 years

2010-03-28T20:26:00.004+11:00

it's been quite a wonderful week.

1. saw IH and fell more in love with her.

2. laughed my way through 2 amazing comedies.

3. went a little adventurous with dinner choices for 2 nights straight in a row.

4. attended a mini primary school reunion and yumcha sesh. It was just the 8 of us. But how cool is it that there are a total of 8 of us Foon Yew 2 students here in Melbourne?! And it just so happens that we were quite close back in the good ole' days. It's been quite a wondrous thing because throughout the whole time we were reminiscing, we kept saying "Remember that thing that happened 10 years ago....?", "Remember how you tripped me over 10 years ago?". Being able to say "10 years ago" so easily and surely quite amazed me, because it HAS been 10 years since we last were little kids in primary school, where we boys and girls played together without worrying about situations brought about by sex hormones. lols. And Celine even joked about how in just an instant, we're gonna be able to say "Remember that thing that happened 20 years ago...?", but by that time, instead of being able to squeezed into 1 table like we did today, we probably would've to booked a few tables and get a private room and it'll be a heck lot more noisier than today.

And with a reunion comes loads of gossip about our schoolmates and how some got married ALREADY and how some even had kids or were planning to have kids.. Jolynn even showed us the size of the daughter of this one schoolmate we had with her hands, and let me tell you this, the daughter must have been at least 2 years old. And almost of us at the table today had stable, long-running relationships. And there were some of us had their partners planned into their whole future, and some had established homes with theirs. And it was such a nice, buttery feeling when I looked around at their happy fulfilled faces. JH and me probably felt a little left out with all the wonderful sweet love stories being proudly regaled, but you know what? They looked so contented and comfortable talking about their relationships that I couldn't help a smile licking my face. We've known each other for around 15 years and they are the few genuinely nice people I've met and they truly deserve all the happiness in the world.
We used to talk about uni studies and what we did in secondary school, but now the topics of choice for the day are relationships, job interviews, officewear (!!), cars, money etc.
I think we've come halfway around the circle.
And dimsum never tasted that good before.

2010-03-27T00:07:00.003+11:00

Had a lovely evening with the two girls.
Everytime we go out even after not seeing each other for a long long time, we still get on like fire on a dry strawhouse. Magnificently.
Food and after-dinner entertainment was good, thanks to the comedy festival which is mad love. (I currently have this weird phrase "mad love" in my brain and I just use it with everything. Weird, my cognitive function.)

Oh, I'm officially having IH-withdrawal symptoms. boooo.
I need a quick fix. And oh, I just realised she didn't sing "Goodnight and Go" which totally pulls at your heartstrings.

And the weekend cannot get on with a better start, thanks to some AMS crap that I need to handle on a Saturday morning at 10am. And I was looking forward to VicMarketing and a treat at Border's GJ plus stuffing myself silly with magazines. Myeh.

2010-03-26T11:14:00.002+11:00

Had one of those summery awesome nights yesterday.
The weather was heavenly, the right amount of heat.
The Imogen Heap gig was unbelievably great.
I've seen her on YouTube and I've listened to 4 of her albums countless times.
But omg, that all pales in comparison to her live persona.
And and and we got there so early that it wasn't funny and we were like frggin' 3rd in line so we had the pick of the whole dancefloor. And and and we were standing right up front, like 1 metre away from the amazing IH, and I could totally see her blusher and her painfully-chic white feather flower ornament in her hair and her black sequined eagle top which is to die for.
And last night was one of those nights where I didn't bring my camera. Booo... What luck!

But omg, I can't stop thinking about how great she was.
During the too-short gig, I was in electronica heaven. I actually had that melty, buttery feeling in my chest when she opened with "First Train Home". And that feeling lasted for the entire gig. The only words I could form throughout the gig were "OMG, how amazing was that?!" or "OMG, how great was that?!" which were both practically the same thing. lols. But the whole thing was just so breathtakingly beautiful that it rendered me speechless. So I floated on high for almost 3 hours (the opening acts were not bad, just wasn't as impressive as Miss Heap herself)
And after the whole thing, I came out and that great feeling lasted for an hour or so and the mamak supper tasted so much better or maybe it was coz I was kinda starving after standing for like 4 hours straight. And then, I became a little deflated like those limp balloons. You sort of just slowly come back down to dull, mundane, uninteresting earth after a tantalizing time in Miss Heap's quirky, cute-as-buttons, groovy company.

And boy, was she groovy! I could so tell that she was enjoying herself so much on stage, she was bopping really prettily up and down the stage in what my gig buddy deems as "those 70s, 80s moves". Lols, not very hip, I know. But on her, it looks completely natural and you just enjoy her performance that much more.

And can I just rave a little bit more on her improvisation, synthesization prowess?! You hear her quirky studio songs with those weird noises. But she actually recreated and improvised those sounds live and holy schmoly, was it just a little bit more electrifying than the studio albums songs?!

And oh, I can't choose my fave song for the night. But "Little Bird" deserved a mention coz I just thought it was so cute she used this little plush bird that made bird noises and "Aha!" was just that bit more special with the guest cellist. And "Swoon" is awesome stuff too, coz she had this little dance routine going on. And she uses the weirdest stuff on her sets! She had those Chinese medicine balls that made a ting-ing sound and a plastic capsicum that made those "shar shar" noises and this plastic tube that she whirled above her head and made this "whoop" sound. Lols. It may sound all just a little weird but you gotta be there to witness and feel everything. And she did "Hide and Seek" and my all-time fave song "The Moment I Said It", but sadly, not gig buddy's fave song "Let Go". And she sounded huskier last night but me like it big time.

And omg, she is such a cute, unpretentious person. She had this quiet, whimsical chatter going on throughout the gig, as though she was talking to herself or her imaginary friends. And since it was a small, cosy affair, you felt that much closer to her and her songs and since we were like right in front, it was even better! And we met these 2 other girls in the line from Brunei and Indo and we chattered on and managed to get front barrier standing room. Totally VIP placements man! And the girls were very cool chicks.

Verdict: Totally worth the 60 bucks I paid. Compared to those hundred-plus bucks for Lady Gaga, this was waaaay better. And to think I almost almost almost missed it coz I thought no one wanted to go see! And that would have been a total, kill-me-now tragedy. I'm still pissed about missing The Script's gig last year. Grrrr. So thank you, gig buddy! I can't wait for November when she comes back again! We will go again, with Kim this time in tow.

YES!! IH is coming back this very year. woohoo.

2010-03-23T22:36:00.002+11:00

omg, blardi cold now.
too cold to stay full for long.
I foresee a few extra pounds on my already-shapely frame. lols.
I really think I'm a summer baby.

2010-03-22T21:10:00.005+11:00

Just a short rant, even though Pheyyee is online now and she's been taking a little of it right now. lols.

Went to see Precious just now, and it's like this super sad emotional rollercoaster throughout the movie, with swear words for abuse left, right and centre throughout the whole movie. And there was even this extremely disturbing scene where a baby was dropped and the mother attempted to off the daughter by dropping a television on her which fortunately narrowly missed.
Hello, just reading the above abridged description of the movie puts you in a sad funk, right?

But noooo, this couple sitting next to me in the cinema was totally making out the whole time ok?
I could even hear the damn lip-smacking noises, like PY described as suction noises.
C'mon people, you're friggin' in your late 20s already but you still act like a pair of hormone-crazed teenagers out on their first date.
If you want to make out, kindly get a room. And stay there until the dawn of time or when you break up, whichever comes first.
I totally sound like a lovelorn b**** here.

But my pet peeve is people disturbing my hard-earned Nova time with incessant chattering, incessant opening-of-plastic-bags, incessant mobile-checking and incessant making out.
When you come to a cinema, just sit back, turn off your mobile, open your bag of chips before the movie and enjoy the damn movie.
Surely your messages/emails/kisses/calls can wait 1 and a half hours right? lols.

on a side note, I need to practice my dirty looks on someone, coz the couple next to me was completely immune to me shooting dirty disgusted looks once every 10 mins. PY said she and the girls are gonna teach me some tricks.

AND 4 DAYS TILL IH!! woohoo.

2010-03-22T00:33:00.003+11:00

Just a short little entry.
Happy birthday to dad, Jacq and Jasper!

Even though I'm 22, I'm still my dad's little girl.
I still snuggle up next to him when he sits on the floor of our lounge.
And I still love the little petname that he gave me when I was a baby.
And even though he is old-er now, his cheeks are still chubby enough to be pinched. Mine too.
And even though goodness know I'm old enough to make my own decisions, somehow I still run to him for affirmation, coz he gives the best advice.
And he still looks like a kid when he laughs.
And I always did love his scratchy stubble whenever he hugs or kisses me. It adds that little special something, I think.

And dear Jacq turned 21 with her loved ones and friends around her.
I think we did do our part in making sure she had a memorable one.
And Jasper turned 22 with chocolate and friends surrounding him.
So I think it was all good, except I wished that we could've wrapped the girl in wrapping paper and a bow and make it a special air-mailed present for him. lols. What fun would that be!

Dear Sandra,
Whenever a birthday rolls around, I reserve this little space in the festivities for you. Don't worry, I am 100% there in body, soul and mind, having fun. But I still think of you sometimes and how you could've celebrated more birthdays with your favourite pink sunhat sitting jauntily on your head and how I regret it now that I never made the time. Well, I hope you have pretty sunbursts and thousands of hats now. xoxo

2010-03-18T17:41:00.002+11:00

Had the weirdest dream last night.
It was pleasant nonetheless. And it was oh-so-realistic. I could actually smell my surroundings and hear the background noise.
And when I woke up, I remembered thinking, "why the heck am I in my bed?!".
Must be the onslaught of IH's music that I've been playing last 2 nights. Her songs have always been strangely trance-like and therapeutic. But I like her previous album better. The new one is abit too pop for me. And I always thought she belonged to the alternative genre, but when I was at a CD shop, it was catalogued in the POP section! Geez. Currently hooked on The Moment I Said It.

But back to my dream! I literally saw two elephants at this gig that I was at. They were dancing and swaying to the music and looked so in love with each other. Weird stuff, my REM cognitive function.

And I met the ex-boy-next-door at the supermarket.
Normally I liked grocery shopping alone and wandering up and down the aisles aimlessly.
But today was nice. It's been too long since we last talked properly.

2010-03-15T22:04:00.005+11:00

Dear Sandra,

It's been a wee bit over 2 months now. It still stings the eyes, but it's been better so far. And all our fathers had a little get together of their own just last week, a mini post-CNY reunion. And I'm sure you were there, right?

Just the other day, I stumbled upon these photos we took in 2007. It was a great day, wasn't it? I think we spent more time talking than eating while the boys just sat sulkily in a corner, ey? Lols. It was such a pity Michelle couldn't be there, otherwise we would have all been complete.Isn't this a beautiful picture of us girls? We should photoshop Michelle into the picture!

I don't think I can say the D word just yet.
I miss you.
In memoriam of the beautiful girl that you are, Sandra. xoxo.

2010-03-15T00:03:00.002+11:00

Kinkybluefairy (who is completely spunky with blazing red hair) was saying how she took a plunge because she finally found someone that she thinks about constantly, even upon waking up and the last thing before bedding down. And she talks about how smitten kitten she was that she felt happy just talking to him.

And just the other day, the girl-next-door had the exact same sentiments. I could literally see the glow and the blush that came with her spilling everything. She literally lit up while sitting on my bed in her winter jammies and actually became all giggly. Even when I think about that scene, I can't stop a smile licking my face. lols. She was utter cuteness.

I think I'm a romantic, but not a huge one.
I've kept pretty much mum about the whole thing, because I wanted it to be a close chapter and frankly, I do not want to be a whiny ninny. And like I said before, I've cut all my strings.
I don't think I missed him.
I think I just missed the supposed camaraderie we had and that warm buttery feeling.
But now that I understood everything, I'm back to walking in my grown-up high heeled shoes and cliched as this might sound, I'm happier than ever.
And no, I am not gloating. I do wish him well.

2010-03-13T22:36:00.004+11:00

I 'accidentally' wandered into the young adults fiction section today and was happily browsing the stacks when I noticed a few things.

1. There are few or no Enid Blyton or Roald Dahl books.
2. Books about vampires crowded the damn shelves. Apparently, Twilight started an obsession with the undead.
3. Examples of titles include Gossip Girls, Luxe, The Sevin Sins etc. Hmmm, something going on there that I can't quite put my finger on.

That aside, I found the coolest Alice In Wonderland illustrated book. I want it. Need to live on bread and water for a few days. And I'm dying to get The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo and its sequels. Will need to live on bread and water for a few weeks then.

Autumn Gray is playing now. A delightful discovery.
Diary of a Falling Man has haunting lyrics.
Am thinking of going for their gig in April.

2010-03-13T02:26:00.002+11:00

things that perk up my day:
1. my awesome new lappy that I can actually play my music on and organise my database without worrying about the sudden crashing
2. my organised music library
3. blueberry crumb bar that the baking goddess in my life bestowed on me
4. impromptu night visits by the baking goddess and her funny-as-hell, Twister-eating, Malay-looking sister
5. super yummy and healthy lunch at Animal Orchestra with mum
6. surviving 2 back-to-back fitness classes. gotta work it, baby!
7. supposed hot cocoa with the girl-next-door. lols. no, we didn't make it to Koko Black, thus the supposedness
8. dinner!!

2010-03-11T19:55:00.002+11:00

I'm thinking of just using my journal from now on. Then I get to doodle a little on the sidelines.
But this Notebook: of mine is kinda the ticket for mum and dad back home to see what shenanigns I get up to in Melbourne without parental guidance. Thus, the almost religious daily entries these few days for poor lonely ole' dad at home. lols.

Anyways, my damn Toshiba lappy is driving me insane right now.
The keyboard is laggy, can't even friggin' keep up with my ultra-slow typing speed, and eats up certain alphabets.
My music player which is like my right hand, is giving me a damn headache.
The processor regressed to the intelligence and speed of a temperamental 5-year-old kid.
Makes me not want to start sorting out my database. blah.

But lappy woes aside, mum got me some cute PJs which apparently cost peanuts at DFO. now, I'm happy, cute-looking, warm and cuddly. lols.
And did you see the sunny skies today?!
It was totally sunshiney goodness.
Makes you wanna lay out on the grass, blare Kina Grannis' Valentine and India Arie's Video and draw cartoons.

I'm discovering CC's SummerSessions songs and they are yummy.
they totally offset the bout of sad, somewhat depressing books that I'm reading so far. Need to find me some good recommendations of nice, non-confrontational, placid books. Now is the best time to whip out my Magic Faraway Tree series. Too bad it's back in good ole' JB.

2010-03-08T23:59:00.002+11:00

1. Mum pronounced Wii as "Why". As her defence, she claims -ii is like saying "I" except you just drag it out longer. Thus, W-Iiiii.

2. Apparently, the older you get, the clumsier you are, according to Aunt Julie and mum. I'm sooo screwed then.

3. Lady Antebellum is being replayed over and over again, for the moment.

4. I've cut the last remaining string between us. I think I must have done it a long time ago, but I blame it on being too busy/ignorant/soft-hearted to notice.

5. Geek chic = yummy.

6. There's a new huge happy orange mug on my table right now.

7. I need more flats. Of the shoe variety.

8. I will be home alone tomorrow. Always wanted to do the Tom Cruise-Jerry Maguire dance routine in the sitting room then.

9. The Hurt Locker > Avatar.

10. Fireworks in Melbourne rock.

2010-03-07T15:17:00.003+11:00

It was a whimsical simple Sunday birthday brunch, filled with family, friends, first loves, lovely pressies, floaty balloons and pretty cake.
I think it had everything a girl wants for her sweet 21st.
And the birthday girl seems delighted with the whole shenanigan that we managed to cook up, despite the worst of Melbourne weather. (Those damn hailstones really made a dent in all our meticulous plans but hey, we managed to schtick to some of them, thanks to our diligent awesome manly flower boy.)

Happy sweet 21st, girl. You deserved the best we can give you.

*Mika's I See You is on replay now. He has the cutest lyrics. This song brings to mind a guy taking the train everyday and sees this girl on it and slowly gets to know her reading preferences, her dress style, the way she talks on the phone, the way she bobs her head to the music in her iPod, the way she gives up her seat to an elderly gentlemen, the way she giggles to herself when she gets to the jokes section in the papers. And he quietly, surely falls in love with her. Lols. Cheesy, ey? *
I'm sitting across from you
I'm dreaming of the things I'd do
I don't speak, you don't know me at all

For fear of what you might do
I say nothing
But stare at you
And I'm dreaming, I'm tripping over you

Truth be told, my problem's old
You mean the world to me but you'll never know
You could be cruel to me
Why go risking the way that I see you
That I see you, that I see you, that I see you, that I see you, that I see you

2010-03-06T21:56:00.003+11:00

I had the laziest Saturday morning and early afternoon.
I drank a yummy cinnamony large chai.
I read Vanity Fair and Vogue and Frankie from cover to cover, curled up in a comfy but somewhat dubious-looking armchair at Borders' GJ leisurely.
I reread Pride and Prejudice on that armchair.
I watched the fist-sized hailstones outisde the window and was kinda scared by it.
I watched this little girl drinking hot cocoa and reading her picture book quietly with her mouth smeared with choc frosting from her brownie. She was tres cute.
And I walked home in the rain, soaked like a wet rat and slightly shivery but refreshed nonetheless.

And I hope everything goes well tomorrow!

And on a side note, Rihanna doesn't quite do it for me anymore. Maybe it's the weird blonde side-swept hair. Myeh.

of milestones and pearl necklaces

2010-03-05T00:14:00.003+11:00

Years of Enid Blyton and Anne of Green Gables and Little Women and Eight Cousin and all those yummy classics have made me a tad more sentimental.
Certain things were given to me at certain milestones in life and they meant the world to me.

When I was 17 going on 18 and about to venture overseas for the first time in my life, mum got me my first ever branded bag from Guess. It was a versatile black leather one. To me, it was like marking the beginning of my passage to adulthood and how I have to learn to be independant and take care of myself. Til this very day, it's my favourite bag and it will always be.

And on that very year too, I got my very first cheongsam from my parents and I was supposed to wear it for my Trinity valecdictory but stupid me gave in to peer pressure and wore a boring black suit instead. lols. To me, it just reminded me that no matter how far I go and how much I learn, I am first and foremost, a Chinese and a Chinese daughter to Chinese parents, no less. 'Nuff said.

And when I got into 1st year Med, I got myself a tattoo on my ankle. A nautical star in blue. A new direction in life. The first step into something that I could never back up of. And my parents gave me their blessings. In fact, mum went with me to get the ink done.

And when I turn 21, my parents gave me the traditional key pendant on a necklace that is my favourite jewellery to date. And the thing that meant the most to me was how my usually-frugal dad chose the necklace with my mum and gladly forked out the money for such an extravagant small little necklace. When I have a daughter of my own, I'm thinking of giving the very necklace to her. It'll be a heirloom of sorts. And I can save on a diamond necklace. lols.

And I got my early birthday present from mum. Finally, a matchy matchy wallet with her. After all that I've gone through, she has done it all with me without any complaints and has supported me every single time. So the wallet is like this invisible bond that I have with her.

And when I graduate, my parents will get me my first pen. It'll be the pen that I will start my internship with. The pen that I will sign my name as a doctor and write my first prescription and scrawl unintelligible doctor's notes. And that pen will be in my right shirt pocket til the very end. And they will get me a pearl necklace. I've adamantly refused to let mum get me one or get myself one, because I want it on my graduation day. I always did associate pearl necklaces with being grown-up and having all sorts of ladylike qualities eg graciousness, gentility, humility, charity etc. Must be all that classics that I've read. All my favourite heroines in those books had a pearl necklace given to them after conquering their flaws, facing trials and tribulations and became wonderful, honest women of the world. The pearl necklace will simply remind me of all the expectations of my family and mine too.

I think I've led a vey comfortable life so far, want of nothing. That's why I have all these little things given to me, to remind me of those important events. But at the end of the day, my parents can give me the cheapest plastic pearl necklace from those funfairs and I wouldn't care, because to me, cliched as it might sound, it's the thoughts and memories invoked that counts.

2010-03-03T22:12:00.003+11:00

Just the other day, I saw this man walking his mastiff mix and when he reached tha stretch of Grattan with the 4-feet-high ledge, his dog jumped up onto the ledge and started walking it like a tightrope, without stumbling or hesitating.
It was like a circus performance.
The dog was even more freakin' agile than me.
If I squinted a little, I could totally see the colourful conical hat on the dog's head and hear the circus drumroll in the distance.
And that sight made me smile the entire way home and way into the night.

of circumstances and sophisticashun

2010-03-02T23:42:00.003+11:00

So circumstances dictate that I forgo the medical conference and stay safe and sound in my cosy little apartment in Melbourne.
Well, I not won't need to push the panic button on my theses just yet, I also get to revel in all the festivities that is Melbourne in March eg birthday parties and hanging out with the peeps.

and mum and I have now got matchy matchy wallets now. woohoo.
totally makes me happy whenever I make a purchase.
it actually makes me wanna buy something, anything just to whip out my wallet.
mum knows best.

and I just found out today that there's a bloody Wiki entry on Manglish and another on Malaysian English vocab.

among the delightful homegrown phrase are:
chao/chow - goodbye/see you
kautim - to finish a task. From Cantonese term 搞掂
zibai - pussy (F**k) [ Hokkien ]
Wat la yu? (What lah you?) spoken in a rising disappointing tone means How could you? or How stupid can you get?
barsket - derived from 'bastard', general derogatory term. May also be derived from 'basket case'.
bladibarsket - derived from 'bloody bastard', profane derogatory term.
dablardigarmen - ie 'the bloody government', a catchall phrase for the malevolent powers that be.
mempersiasuikan - disgraceful, derived from hokkien "siasui" + malay.(e.g. "Sungguh mempersiasuikan" or "Very mempersiasuikan" which means very disgraceful/humiliating/embarrassing)
Cun - Describe a pretty woman (e.g. Wow that girl is so cun)
Pon - to skip school/play truant/apon (from Malay "ponteng", meaning the same)

Makes me wanna jump up and start sprouting, "Walau ey, Malaysians damn cun, even got our own language page on Wiki la. Veli sophisticashun wan."
*credits to nosy*

2010-02-26T00:45:00.002+11:00

These two nights, I've been hanging out with the girls.
and they were awesome nights.
it goes to show that every girl needs a girls night out every once in a while.

the sweetest little message came through Facebook today.
bibimbap's voice over the phone, with the comforting background noise of mum and dad's voices today.
the nicest MSN chat today.

Mika's on replay now.
totally perks up my day when I wriggle around to it in the apartment while making breakky.

of skies

2010-02-23T17:49:00.003+11:00

I always did notice the skies in Melbourne are really blue.
But today the skies seemed exceptionally blue when I was walking back.
And there were little puffy scrunchy petal-ly clouds.
And I saw this little helicopter in the distance.
And all at once, I wished I was right on that very helicopter, because how awesome would the city view be in this cloudness spring sky.

Even Malaysian skies are blue too. Just a different sort of blue.
A more yellowy, warm, smoggy kinda blue.
Whereas Melbourne's blue is more cool, sophisticated, clean.

And that makes me think of Indian skies.
They weren't really blue at all.
It was more of a dusty blueish grey colour. More of a smogish (that's my invented term for smog+fog+rubbish) blue.

And I kinda think how the skies reflect the people living in that city, or is it the other way around?
Melbournians seemed always too cool for the sunlight, especially those white-collar individuals walking around briskly on Collins St in their swishy overcoats. And how a portion of them are really artistes in disguise, like those puffy little clouds.
Malaysians seemed abit louder in dressing, manner etc. Put good food on a table, gather family around, and let the merrymaking commence. Sure, we might not be as sophisticated as our Western counterparts, we might be a bit crude/coarse/undereducated. But whatever we do, we do it loud and proud and as best as we can. It's what we call Asian pride and family honour. lols.
Indians seemed abit world weary to me. They've seen everything that life has thrown at them, thus they have to make the best that life has to offer, at sometimes a great cost. But then after a rainfall, you get this little peek of cornflower blue before the smogish covers it up again.

And when I was looking up today, your face floated into my mind, Sandra.
My heart still constricts when I see you. And it has been almost 5 weeks.
This isn't fair, you know?

of cousins

2010-02-21T01:55:00.004+11:00

When I was just a wee little girl, I tumbled about with my younger male cousins because the other cousins were much older than me and they talked about their secondary school studies when I was just in kindergarten.
And there wasn't any female cousins after me in the Seet family. I was the youngest female around. So I had no choice but to run up and down stairs and play with lanterns/bugs with the other younger guy cousins which all came out into the world one after another, or as I like to call them "a litter". lols.
I wore dresses at that time. My favourite one was this green and blue checked dress and what made this dress so very special was this heart-shaped cloth sling bag that came with it. It always made me feel so grown up and feminine with that little bag of mine.
But even when I was wearing that green-blue dress, the boys never failed to lure me out from my demure sitting position with the grownups and in no time, we were playing that game with the mother hen and her little chicks and the big bad eagle. I was very much a tomboy with them.
And the guys used to call me 'jie' and they still do. But now I look up into their grownup faces when they call me. They've all gone tall and reedy and solid and are decent boys.

And like today when I saw all 5 of them again, I can't help but be a bit astounded, a bit curious, a bit shy, a bit proud and a whole lot of nolstalgic.

I've put on my grown up high-heeled shoes but it all came rushing back with a roar and the sudden clutch of the heartstrings. And I'm falling overboard.

I'm leaving on a jetplane soon, in less than 24 hours.
Current thoughts at almost 1am:
It'll be a whole lot of different. A good kinda different, I'm sure.
It'll take a lotta adjusting.
Time with family and convos with friends (rediscovering past friendships and schticking to present ones) definitely helped. Together with bouts of replayed songs, mugs of green tea and reams of words.
When I'm good and ready, I'm gonna tear off the damn drapes and it'll be a sunshiny day.

*I'm walking on sunshine*

of yonder days

2010-02-20T02:56:00.003+11:00

I think it's a case of nolstalgia and wanting to relive the good 'ole days.
I find myself increasingly reaching for photo albums of yonder days and wanting to hear stories.
And from there, you find little gems of anecdotes that are painfully old yet totally cool.
Like today, when godmum unearth her wedding album and I saw the retro cool bellbottoms my godpa wore and how she had a centre parting and curls down the side.
And how much I resemble her, down to the nonexistent cheekbones and chubby cheeks of the Seet family.
And how we must have been fated to be godmum and goddaughter, based on our tanned and slighly Malay complexions.

Like the antique English wedding card my dad gave her on her wedding day, still in its white box slightly water-damaged and that double "Xi'" word on it.

Like the 4 absolutely beautiful lace butterfly brooches from Brussels that my dad bought for her at least 30 years agoon his backpacking trip around Europe.

Like the many letters my dad wrote her during his stay in England and that special commemorative Prince Charles and Princess Diana stamp still affixed to one of the envelope.

Like the black-and-white photograph of grandfather in his first sundry shop which I am hoping and praying that I will inherit one day. That photo literally took my breath away. It was that poignant.

Like the portraits of grandfather and grandmother when they were young. And boy, was grandpa a good-lookin' man! lols. Qiang absolutely inherited grandpa's bushy and thick black eyebrows.

It's possibly some Chinese/Asian thing to want to see/know your roots.
And right now, I'm enjoying the ride back to the past.

10 quickies

2010-02-19T01:16:00.002+11:00

a tad sleepy from the flight home, but slightly cheered by the awesomeness that is that Bollywood flick, Wanted.
so 10 quick insights before I forget them:

1. India is full, full, full, full, full, full, full of people. Chock full of those 2-legged beings. Almost, almost, almost like a scary scene where cockroaches were crawling on every available surface.

2. If you can drive in India and survive with a slightly-dented car, you can drive anywhere.

3. Taj Mahal was wow. Period.

4. Apparently, according to my dad's and bro's amazing albeit slightly skewed observations, half the population in India is fairer than me. Much fairer. And these fairer Indians are supposedly from South India. Go figure, Mel.

5. 98% of Indians out in streets, markets, public places are males. I have yet to see a handful of Indian females.

6. Due to fact 5, Indian guys have the propensity to stare UNBLINKINGLY, UNFLINCHINGLY, UNABASHEDLY at females. Especially non-Indian ones. Especially clad-in-jeans-and-tees ones. Especially Chinese ones. Which totally creeped me out.

7. The socioeconomic disparity in the Indian society is crazily huge. Like a deep, bottomless, uncrossable chasm.

8. Due to fact 7, it is understandable that it was a pretty much materialistic society. Money is everything.

9. Indian food=total awesomeness.

10. India is severely polluted. It seemed almost unapologetic to me when rubbish was thrown out of car windows. And that really sucks.

2010-02-12T01:01:00.002+11:00

Dear Sandra,

I'll be heading down to India in a small budget airplane with the family to spend an unconventional CNY in less than 24 hours.
And dad claims that I'll probably be able to find my long-lost ancestor among the Indians. yeah, right. whatever. lols.
And I won't get Internet access in middle of India on the day of the 1st month. So, I just wanted to mark this post in my virtual journal of sorts for you, babe.

It hasn't been that long, right? Coz I still can see your face, your features as clear as day in my mind. I wonder whether it will fade over time, whether it will become a chunk of skin-cloured blob by the time I turn 30. I sure hope not. I know moving on doesn't mean letting go, right? Moving on just means to me, getting on with life with less consuming sadness, more acceptance but not forgetting completely.
I think I've done all the things that is supposed to help you move on.
I've talked to friends and family.
I've remembered all the times we had and put them in more concrete form.
I've read all the lovely messages that your loved ones have left you.
I've read your blog.
I've taken time off to properly grieve for you.
I've said good bye in my own way, even though I couldn't go to your funeral.
I've talked to you in my mind.
And I'll go say goodbye to you properly at your grave, in a few months time.
And I'll learn to say the D word eventually.

I can never say this enough.
I wished you were still here. And I miss you.

2010-02-11T01:52:00.002+11:00

Dear Sandra,

I had the awesomest, most satisfying dinner in months. No doubt it was home-cooked, but it was yummylicious to the max.
Slow-cooked lotus root soup, steamed fish, stir-fried leeks and pork-stuffed fish maw.
Quintessential CNY reunion dinner, no?
You know how much I enjoy being in Melbourne and the fab food scene they have there but nothing beats mum's home-cooked food at our round marble dinner table at home.
And I thought about you then and how you would have loved to celebrate just one more CNY with your family. I guess, I would never ever really get over you going away so soon. I still can't really bring myself to write the D word yet. I can't even say the D word. Whenever I talk about you, I just say "you're gone too soon". I think it makes it sound like you're going away for a while but you'll be back, like some kinda holiday, ey? But, I will eventually get it though my thick head, I promise. Hopefully, in June, when I go and see you properly, I will be able to reconcile with that fact.

I mean, I kinda need to get with this whole passing on thing, seeing as I will probably be dealing with it on a daily basis fairly soon. And the whole week after mum called me was hell for me. I don't think I dealed with it quite as well as I thought I could have done. I honestly thought that maybe I wasn't really cut out for this whole doctor thing. But I think you were right there with me the whole time, I just was grieving too much to notice you. And mum said that I took a hard hit just because we were close and this would just be another thing I could learn from. So, you're my teacher now, Sandra. Should I bring you a shiny red apple when I visit you in June? lols.

I know I'll have a great CNY break this year and you'll be in my mind the whole time, having fun with me.

of godparents and soundbites

2010-02-08T01:16:00.002+11:00

some cute little sound bites from tonight's dinner:

*Godmum: "Hey, I noticed that you love coming home to Malaysia arh."

*Godfather (lols, sounds like the mafia Godfather la): "If we go out together like this, people would think we're not Chinese la."

*Godmum: "Ey, your mum looks like one of those Arabian ladies. Those rich ones. Only those richer Arabs have lighter skin, you know."

*Godfather: "I'm not getting any younger, you know? So I think you better get married around 26 or 28. I don't want to be that old until when I give you an angpau for your wedding, my hands are shaking."

My godparents are the cutest people.
And they love me to bits. All my fluffy, wobbly bits.
And it's totally ditto for me.

2010-02-07T02:55:00.003+11:00

Dear Sandra,

I wanted to go and say my last goodbye personally, not only because you deserve it, but also because it would be some kinda closure for me. It'll be like the last word on that particular chapter, even though I would still think of you so very often and sometimes at night, I would lay awake in my bed and your face would come unbidden in my mind and I would miss you so much that it would take sometime for me to fall asleep.
I did say goodbye to you in my own way on the day of your funeral, but I still need to be in the same space as you, to stand in front of you and say all those things that I want to say, and to look at your face.
But it seems that circumstances are preventing me to do so. All I can say is I'm sorry and I would be there as soon as I can. I promise.
And your dad is doing much better now. I think you know that, ey? You must be watching them from above. I would like to think you're a guardian angel of sorts for them. You must be.
And it's going to be the one month milestone soon. The first day of CNY and Valentine's Day and your passing all rolled into one. I think I'm getting better at handling it. Friends and family are making it easier for me to do so, to miss and mourn you in my own way. But I still think you're gone too soon. All the brightest stars of this world always were taken away too early from us, don't you think?

Thanks for making me somewhat stronger and somewhat more resilient. I can't say that I would grieve better next time around, but thanks for showing me what to do, what to say, what to think.

Until the time I am able to say goodbye to you properly, I miss you, Sandra Wong.

of Ricky Gervais and bibimbap

2010-02-05T22:17:00.003+11:00

Ricky Gervais' GhostTown totally saved the flight for me.
He was total awesomeness.
I had to muffle my giggles from the lady seated next to me who kept shooting my screen curious glances. Then, when I plugged in my Zen for some attempted light snoozing hours later, I saw her giggling her way through Ghost Town. lols.
Note to self: Must get the DVD of the Invention of Lying later.
Ricky Gervais is the god of Brit humour.

and mum and dad are absolute sweethearts.
I'm not only a daddy's girl, but a mummy's girl too.
I think I really needed this, I would like to think, much-deserved break, thanks to work and so-drama-mamma reasons that shall be unnamed.
and I realised that the older I get, the smaller my circle of friends become.
which I adamantly think is a good thing.
I no longer need to spend/waste so much energy and time into maintaining relationships that are way too much work and go oh-so-undeserved.
I now have my own Circle of Trust (cue Meet the Parents music), which I can rely on for anything anywhere.
and I have a new nickname for my little (yes, I still call him little, despite his gargantuan size) brother, along with a whole list of ever-changing and ever-expanding list of nicknames.
from now on, I will call him Bibimbap, after that yummy Korean rice dish.
Bibimbap somehow conveys a... big, rollin', hunka of blob. lols. which my sweet little brother totally is.

and this is on replay now:
Hey I´ll move out of the way for you
Hey I´ll move out of the way for her too
I never thought we'd end up here in seperate cages.
It doesn´t go like this
You left out some pages
-- ironic that this was playing. Thank you, IngridM. You are a total godsent. --
*and can you please kindly get out of the circle, thank you very much?*

2010-02-02T23:46:00.003+11:00

I desire, yes, desire pretty, bound, old-fashioned books of poetry by John Keats.
It must be the doing of Bright Star which I thought was great.

This song is on replay now!!
In these eyes
More than words
More than anything that I had spoken
As the skies turn to grey
My heart just about to crack open
So the story goes
There's something you should know
Before I walk away and blow the ending.

2010-01-29T20:56:00.004+11:00

It's been a lazy lazy lazy day.
and I'm currenly hooked on Ingrid Michealson and her lovely voice and am also rediscovering Corrine Bailey Rae and her awesome sophomore album.
and two R&B songs are on replay right now. Whatcha Say by Jason Derulo and I Remember by Keyshia Cole.

Shall try to rev myself up for a revise of my lit review. Grrr....

On a random note, I need a black racerback tee and a blue one and a red one and a yellow one. lols.

and omg, can I say Adam Lambert is H-O-T in his 'For Your Entertainment' vid?! The way that guy smirks and pulls you in with his kohl-rimmed eyes and his crooked finger clad in that metal handpiece thingy of his is absolutely stunning. Makes you wanna pant and fan yourself. lols. Albeit him batting for the other team, his performance got me all flustered.

2010-01-28T22:44:00.002+11:00

I'm feeling a tad pleased with myself today.
I'm done with time 2 OFC data counts. so that's like half my project finished.
and fingers crossed, time 1 OFC data will be on like wildfire by tomorrow noontime, just in time for a celebratory lunch with my finally-arrived AMS partner.
and plenty of time left for me to polish up my lit review before I fly home for CNY.

aren't I efficient?! lols.

and holy schmoly, aren't we a little awkward today ey? bleh.
probably due to the fact that we had not much to begin with huh?
better now than 10 years down the road, I say.

2010-01-26T22:41:00.002+11:00

I've been thinking that maybe, just maybe the numerous NGOs around should probably join forces and somehow, make a few big umbrella groups.
I mean, wouldn't this ensure that funds don't get misappropriated that easily and cut down on overhead costs like aid transportation, mundane admin day-to-day requirements?
Also, I would think that it'll probably garner more attention from the masses, resulting in more donations, awareness?
Because seriously, people, I think we have waaaay too many NGOs dedicated to the exact same cause, just with different funkier names and different founders.
It somehow makes things a tad complicated.

2010-01-25T23:26:00.002+11:00

Dear Sandra,

I watched The Lovely Bones the second time today.
And it was beautiful as usual.
I'm still thinking of you, babe. No one could ever forget you once you graced their lives.
I miss you the same. But it's less all-consuming right now. Much less.
So I guess, it means that I'm in the stage of acceptance, yes?

It's been almost 2 weeks now.
How have you been?

xoxo

2010-01-19T20:07:00.002+11:00

Dear Sandra,

I watched The Lovely Bones yesterday.
And it was a beautiful movie about life and life after death.
And Susie reminded me of you. The same infectious quality, the same buoyancy about everything, and the generous amount of love you lavished on your loved ones.

The book was like chicken soup for the grieving soul.
And the movie was a poignant albeit watered down version of the soup, I guess. lols.
It's hard to let go of the blame and anger at that idiotic, irresponsible driver. I wished so much that he had at least some concussion or bruises or just plain bleeding somewhere. I don't care where, just somewhere.
But I'm getting it a little now. 'It' being to accept the unfair reality of it and lay no blame on others.
Books and movies and advice columns tell us all about acceptance and forgiveness and the whole feel-good nine-yard thing. But they don't say how sometimes people hurt so much or how guilty they feel when they haven't talked to that person in ages so that they just need to heap blame and responsibility on others.
But I'm slowly past the stage of anger now and I'm accepting it. Thanks for that little push in the right direction, babe.
I still miss you. But I'm getting better at it. I don't feel choked when something reminds me of you anymore. You're the first close friend I've had that was gone too soon, you know? So please be patient with me getting used to the fact that I won't see you again.
Until then, see you around.

p.s. Did you see the guy who played Raj in the movie and all that sweet little scenes between Susie and Raj? He's cute, isn't he? I wonder whether you had someone like that in your life. You know what? I think you did because who could resist your sweetness and enthusiasm and joy? I should've asked about that, ey? lols.

p.s.s. And you know, I'm thinking that driver probably has to live with the guilt his whole life. So I'm guessing that's enough punishment, yes?

2010-01-17T12:57:00.002+11:00

Dear Sandra,

I think I felt you last night.
It's helping me move on a little bit.
Thanks, babe.
I still miss you.

Dear Sandra

2010-01-16T19:25:00.003+11:00

Dear Sandra,

I am still at the stage of denial.
I can still see your face clearly in mind, always in motion.
And that makes it harder for me to reconcile with the truth.
And not being able to say goodbye to you, not being able to see your face one last time, somehow makes it seem like a dream. One minute, I was looking at brain scans, and the next minute, the call came and...
Like I said, I am still at the stage of denial.

So this hopefully will make it somewhat easier.
I miss you, Sandra.
I wished we had laughed more, talked more, learnt more about each other.
Our dads being best friends until now since childhood, probably was the pulling point for us all being friends.
And I wished we could have continued the tradition of our dads being best friends.
And now I regret that our kids would never had the chance of being 3rd generation best friends.

Granted we didn't talk much, but when we all flocked together with our dads in toll, it was wonderfully perfect.
Like one big happy family.
You were always clamouring for me to tell you more stories about med school. You used to recoil in horror at my dissection room stories and how the cadevers smelt like 'lap cheong' and you claimed never to be able to eat that ever again. But the next minute, you would smiled sweetly at me and demanded more stories from the medical world. It never failed to amuse me.
And remember how you made fun of the two quiet boys in the corner during the reunion in JB? Yes, you did make fun of them. You kept denying it, giggling to yourself. But we all knew. And we all had fun. Especially Amanda who sure was your accomplice at the time. You girls took the mickey out of those guys.
And remember how you had to split the veggie stems and leaves and you claimed never to be able to like eating the stems and how you exchanged them for leaves with Uncle Chee Keong's son who said he like the stems? I personally think you were one smart cookie and got the better end of the... stick/deal.
And back when we were little tots, I remembered thinking to myself, 'poor uncle Jimmy, gotta put up with 3 daughters.' and me being determined to be a good little girl and sit in one corner of the hotel room, when I first met you and Clara and Laura. But, the next minute, I was up running about, helping you chase after the girls. You were that infectious.

I know you just turned 21 in November.
and I know you were one year away from your university graduation.
and I know you were everything to your sisters and your parents.
and I know that our small group would never be the same without you.

I want you back. Your bubbly, cheerful self.
and I'm angry at you being gone too soon.
Because I miss you. We all do.
We love you, Sandra.
and we love the fact that you were selfless enough to be an organ donor. You have inspired me.
I was lucky enough to be able to know you, to keep up with your constant enthusiasm, to laugh at your jokes, to share with you stories.

Thanks for the memories, babe. You were and still are one heck of a girl.

Sandra Wong (11/22/1988-14/1/2010)

of fluffy and wobbly bits

2010-01-13T22:03:00.002+11:00

apartment is a little quieter now. without the brother around.
and the groceries bill is totally cut in half.
and I didn't even buy any junk food. yay me!!
conclusion: my brother is a money-gobbling machine. lols.
but I still love him to bits. all his fluffy, wobbly bits.

and I decided I shall not have any fluffy, wobbly bits too.
so there!

so I guess this is the dimension in the string theory that you guys belong together.

2010-01-09T03:20:00.000+11:00

I have got my resolutions down pat for the year.
and I'm not telling. lols.

of vollies

2009-10-13T16:28:00.002+11:00

congratulate me. quick.
I am now officially a Lort Smith animal shelter volunteer.
complete with keycard and a vollie polo tee.
and waggy-tailed, wet-nosed dogs.
the kittens, I'm not that gaga over.
but the dogs...! *sigh*

and the Fringe festival is awesomeness.
got to see cool acts for free (!!), meet cool people.
and I so got the professional-box-office vibe going on. people were coming up to me for shows and tickets and whatnot. it's a total ego boost! lols.

and did I mention I'm still into 80s music?!

of fun and semi-gap years

2009-10-01T23:59:00.004+10:00

I'm having way too much fun nowadays that it's almost, almost illegal...
but I figured that I'll only get this one miserable year relatively free so I'll treat it as a "semi-gap" year.

people travel to Brazil and Africa and whatnot for their true-blue gap year.
and I travel... quite a bit. relatively speaking. I mean, just in zone 1 of Victoria, where my monthly ticket is put to good use. so, it's as far as I can get, without buying another Metlink zone 2 ticket, you know.

fun things I have done to date:
- a glorious week with the parentals aka self-declared-week-off from work! 'nuff said.

- long conversations with the parentals, across the oceans and lands.

-beaching on the couch with the little brother, without worrying too much about work.

- catching up with Sha and Janice: birthdays, shopping trips (more of window shopping for me, as I was the official bag-carrier for the girls... I'm telling you, I carry shopping bags really, really well. it's almost an art to perfection!), dinners, the works.

- having fun at AMS with another set of girls (thankfully, my AMS unit is awesome!)

- catching up with the med girls: dinners, facebook sessions, birthdays (I seem to hangout way too much with just girls, yes?) and of course, with the boys too!!

- volunteering!! right now, I'm doing my stint at the Melbourne Fringe Festival with tons of really cool, out-of-this-world acts and talented performers. I feel so artsy-fartsy! and hopefully, I get the stint at the Lort Smith shelter too!

- current obsession: 80s music (one thing about me is I HAVE PHASES. I was named after the moon in my chinese name, so I have the right, nay, the privilege to change constantly, waxing and waning and everything.) anyways, how can one not jump up and dance to 80s anthems eg Cyndi Lauper, MJ, Queen, David Bowie, Prince (screams!!), Eurythmics??!! it's almost unforgiveable to not bop your head to the beats just a little....

- and my cousin sister aka godsister just got married. and I'm having fun stalking her on Facebook to see all her pretty wedding pictures and anticipating the wedding dinner, albeit from one continent away....

- and on a more trivial note, my cooked dinners at home seem to go pretty well. oxtail soups, osso bucco, lemongrass pork, etc. I'm like... a gourmand. Heh!

- and I'm having a reunion with the primary 6 classmates here in Melbourne this weekend! yes, we manage to keep track of each other all these years. it's almost an incredible feat. but considering Facebook and the stalker function, it's almost too easy!

- and finally, the weather is slightly warmer... and since I thrive on sunlight, my disposition is somwhat, cheerier...

of picnics and oxtails

2009-09-27T22:17:00.002+10:00

PMS-ing Melbourne weather is totally harshing my springtime mellow!
sheets of rain and gusty winds are not really great company for market-shopping and prety spring frocks.

but I had a great day at Vic Mart, despite my hole-y sweater and the wind blowing through it. (screw my 5-bucks-op-shop-retro-white-knit-sweater! lols. but i totally *heart* it)
and that is due to the fact that I found this awesomely cool stall at the meat section that sells all the unwanted parts of the goat and cow and pig.
seriously. I'm talking about goat brains, cow kidneys, ox tongue. the works.
no, I'm not a gourmand that knows how to cook all the different parts.
but heck, I managed to get my oxtails after hunting for ages! and that, I'm happy about.
and I was so tempted to get the goat brains, after seeing that episode on Masterchef that dealt with the brains and one of the judges described them as creamy and absolutely sinful!
*thinks hard* maybe I'll get them after I hunt up a few recipes! lols.

and I'm having a great few days, retail-therapy-wise. *winks*

and on a separate note, I so want to organise a picnic...
I wanna get a wicker picnic basket and red checked picnic cloth and a glass bottle full of sparkling lemonade and little finger sandwiches and chocolate fingers and a big blue kite.
too bad the weather is throwing a tantrum right now.